Friday, May 14, 2010

Wow! More of This? Srsly?!?

Yep, more Adventures of R. G. Strangemind... and Herbert as written by me at age seventeen. What can I say? It's a public service to air my shame (or my Douglas Adams fanboyitis... take your pick) and make you all feel better about the fiction you turned out as a kid.

But FIRST!!!

Hello from Mobicon!

As I type this, I've just finished a Doctor Who Panel (because I luvs The Doctor!) and have escaped back to the room for a few minutes. So far the con seems really nice. The Wandering Men are showing off UNTOLD, their Card Game/RPG. Ben gave me a quick demo and it seems pretty cool. I hope to have more time to check it out either this weekend or next time I see them (which will be at Imagicon next weekend).

But wait... You've read too far, because now you are trapped in another installment of THE ADVENTURES OF R.G. STRANGEMIND... and herbert.

Episode III

Emperor Splort was on the rampage. In only three minutes he proceeded to destroy the entire contents of the royal bedroom not to mention a very lovely antique table that his great grandfather had made by hand. In other words, it was not very intelligent of the youngest council member to disturb him. Furthermore it had probably been the
most idiotic move that the late counselor had ever made. The counselor realized this as his' head sailed off his shoulders and out the window. The other counselors decided that they would postpone any further talks with the Emperor until he was in a better humor or as Emperor Splat III once said, "They ran like hell."

Emperor Splort grabbed an axe from a recently demolished trunk and began swinging at the fleeing Counselors. A few of the counselors made it through the door before he could position himself in front of it, but a great many of them leapt for the only other exit...the windows. In fact, it was the sight of all his council running about his bedroom and leaping out windows that finally began to calm the Emperor down. It was then that Emperor Splort for the first time in two days began to smile. He patted the axe in his hand with a dark gleam in his eye. "I'll get you Slob! You may have gotten away with bungles before, but this time. This time we've got you!"

Meanwhile back in the large gray spaceship, at about the same time Emperor Slob began his rampage, a klaxon began to sound. A pleasant but artificial male voice was heard throughout the ship. "Slob, I really must have your help on the bridge. I can't fly the ship all the time without a human instruction. Oh yes...Emperor Splort has issued a reward for anyone who can capture you, although the reward is greater for bringing back your lifeless body. Thank you." Slob stared at the intercom in disbelief and then looked at Herbert, who was still stuck in the wall. Disbelief turned to glee as Slob formed a plan.

While all this was going on, R.G.'s body had been coming closer and closer to the ship's powers. It had almost turned once or twice, but as if it were guided by some mystic sense of destiny, it continued to head straight along the corridor, to itself ultimate demise. As it run along the corridor the scenery began to change. The beautiful white walls were now red and bore large warning labels which had R.G. been
inhabiting it he would've recognized as an odd form of english.

It was as R.G, was inspecting a strange machine, which seemed to do nothing more than sing odd folk songs about toasters, that R.G. felt a presence.

"Hello?" said R.G.

"Greetings," responded a pleasant but artificial voice. "Existing on both the astral and physical plane has allowed me to detect your presence."

"Amazing!" whispered R.G. "Who? What? are you?"

"I am the ship computer. I hope you enjoy your stay on this ship and your body is heading towards certain death in the ship's powercore. Thank you."

R.G. desperately began searching for the ship's powercore.

***

Herbert opened his' eyes and couldn't see anything, in fact he could hear anything either. He must dead! He began to yell when he realized that he was unnaturally cold, but then again, he metal used in spaceship walls is very cold. It was about this time that Slob pulled Herbert out of the wall and Herbert realized he was alive. Herbert also realize that a strange blue alien was running a corridor. Herbert
decided to follow him and about three hundred yards down that same corridor, a now existent purple was walking in herbert and Slob's direction. The purple thing with a lot of teeth's name was Ginger and Ginger was mad.

R.G. "ran" (one doesn't actually run while in astral form, but saying that some one floated determinedly down the hall is rather anti-climatic) determinedly down the hall looking for his body. He had searched the areas he thought the powercore likely to be found in, after realizing that entity calling itself the Ship's Computer would no longer talk to him. Suddenly R.G. had an idea. He calm down and began to try
to "feel" the direction of his body. To R,G,'s left he felt an almost imperceptible tingle, and off he went while his body stood still before a large metal door bearing the alien equivalent of a radiation symbol (A piece of toasted garlic bread), that was slowly beginning to open.

Back on the planet Slag, Emperor Splort was holding a war council. Splort was a tall imposing man with green skin and well defined muscles. He looked even more imposing as he stood (towered, actually) over the remaining members of the royal council. None of the councilmen knew what their late youngest member had said to enrage him, but they weren't about to ask and he wasn't going to tell them. The light in the room glistened off of his bald skull given him a strange halo as he spoke.

"I'm going to have a war gentlemen. I'm going to go out with the bounty hunters and kill our beloved friend Slob"

"But sir..."began one of the councilmen, but that was as far he got before his head was simply no longer present, taking his nervously system quite by surprise and causing him to make unsightly jerking motions as his body dropped to the floor. Splort surveyed the court room with a smoking disintegrator in his hand.

"Are there anymore objections", he asked. Oddly enough there were none. The disintegrator did have a little to do with the lack of objections, but also, the council had decided that if the Emperor wanted to go off and get killed, it would be more than fine with them.

Splort grinned and contemplated Slob's death at his hands.

***

Back on the large gray spaceship. Herbert and Slob continued, unknowingly, in Ginger's direction. Ginger was angry, hungry and desperately wanted to kill the robot that had given him a flea bath instead of a haircut.

R.G.'s mindless but strangely mobile body, was walking towards the now open metal door, when R.G.'s mental presence entered the hallway "screaming","Nooooooooo!" R.G. rushed towards his body when suddenly he struck a barrier and his body turned to him smiling. (Maybe I was being a bit hasty when I said mindless, eh?)

Slob was excited. His plan was working, the big earthling was following him, and he had yet to be killed. There had been an old legend among his people that one there would come forth The Great Stupid One who would come forth and return them to the light. Perhaps this earthling was him, or atleast would pass for him.

Herbert, who was currently following the strange blue alien (Slob), wasn't thinking of anything, but of course that wasn't unusual.

Back on the planet Slag, however, Emperor Splort was thinking of something. he was thinking of different ways he could kill Slob, many of which involved strange any many times interesting uses for a size fifty one drill.

"Oh yes," he thought,"This will indeed be fun." Soon the Imperial flag ships would be ready and he could head after Slob with all the firepower he would ever need.

Ginger was still heading down the corridor when he saw a blue alien come around the corner. Ginger grinned and spoke (Well sort of) for the first time.

As Slob looked at the large purple thing with a lot of teeth, he didn't worry...they don't exist right? Atleast that's they way he reacted until it grinned at him and began to howl. It took him almost a full half of a second to turn around and then he was running for his life.

Herbert was following the strange blue alien and staring blankly, when suddenly the alien changed direction and collided with his chest. Had Herbert been more attentive, he may have heard the howling and began running in the other direction, instead of staring at the blue alien and trying to puzzle out what was going on. Fortunately, Ginger's appearance made everything clear.

Meanwhile in the corridor outside the ship's powercore, R.G. was puzzled, which was beginning to happen far to often than the most intelligent person on Earth would've liked.

"Who are you?" he stammered to his body, wondering how it could perceive on the astral plane and if it could even hear him. It could.

"Now that I have your attention", came a loud rumbling voice, "I shall introduce myself. I am called Toastus. On many different worlds I have many different names. I am called Malted by the ice men of Creamia, Splagnat by the people of the planet Slag, but of all I prefer the name Toastus, for it is a true name of power! You, R.G. Strangemind shall be my emmisary in this cosmic mission. You shall be a crumb sent forth from my self to the..."

"Excuse me, my dear Super powerful Entity, but what are you talking about?"

Toastus was not amused.



Note: This first appeared in Birmingham Telecommunications News and remains Copyright 1991 by Jeremy F. Lewis

Only one or two more episodes to go. :)

1 comment:

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