Thursday, December 23, 2010

Ook of Us

This is me burying the lead, ignoring the need for clearly defined antecedents, and failing to avoid run on sentences.

So, to make a long story short, I originally posted a version of this song on twitter and it amused a few folks... and I added the chorus to my email signature and thought that would be that, but then a buddy provided just the right amount of impetus in an email, so I sent a touched up and more to him and... thought that would be the end of it. But then, the same buddy asked if I would please post this parody song to web, so... with tongue firmly in cheek (and with apologies to Joan Osborne)... here it is:

"Ook of Us"


J. F. Lewis

(Sung to the tune of Joan Osborne's "One of us")

If Grodd had a date, who would she be?
Would she go over to his place.
if he debased himself and he cooked dinner?
What would he cook if he had just one season?

And ook, ook, Grodd's an ape
ook, ook, Grodd is rude
ook, ook, ook, ook, ook

What if Grodd was one of us?
Hairless ape like one of us?
Not a super gorilla makin' a fuss
Tryin' to conquer us all?

If Grodd had a place, how would we zone it?
And would you visit there
if going meant that you would have to play nice
With old Lex Luthor and the Joker and Bizarro
the whole darn Legion? And...

Ook, ook, Grodd's an ape
Ook, ook, Grodd is rude
Ook, ook, ook, ook, ook

What if Grodd was one of us?
Hairless ape like one of us?
Not a super gorilla makin a fuss
Tryin' to conquer us all?

No superheroes had to fall?
No powers at his beck and call?
No Flash to cause a falderal?
At parties he might be a ball?

Ook, ook, Grodd's an ape
Ook, ook, Grodd is rude
Ook, ook, ook, ook, ook

What if Grodd was one of us?
Hairless ape like one of us?
Not a super gorilla makin a fuss
Tryin' to conquer us all?

No superheroes had to fall?
Nice to both the big and small?
No powers at his beck and call?
No Flash to cause a falderal?
At parties he might be a ball?


End note: I know. I know. What kind of a guys takes a song about God and thinks "Hey, that could just have easily been a funny song about a megalomaniac super gorilla with mental powers"? To that, my only possible defense is: Well... have you read my books?


There ya go, Lou. It's up. Happy Holidays.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

"I'm Afraid of Librarians"

Because exactly one person demanded it:

(Sung to the tune of David Bowie's "I'm Afraid of Americans")

J. F. Lewis's "I'm Afraid of Librarians"

John is in a library, no one at the desk

No-one helps anyone, the whole library's a test John is in a library

I'm afraid of Librarians

I'm afraid of their world

I fear the card catalogue

Electronic, too-

I'm afraid of Librarians

I'm afraid of their world

I fear the card catalogue

Electronic, too-

I'm afraid of Librarians

John is in a Library

John he wants silence, John he wants to go for a smoke

John he hates children, to him story time is a joke

John is in a library

I'm afraid of Librarians

I'm afraid of their world

I fear the card catalogue

Electronic, too-

I'm afraid of Librarians

I'm afraid of their world

I fear the card catalogue

Electronic, too-

I'm afraid of Librarians

John he's in the stacks where people hide old porno mags

John hates other patrons, when he thinks of them he gags

John is in a library

John is in a library

I'm afraid of Librarians

I'm afraid of their world

I fear the card catalogue

Electronic, too-

I'm afraid of Librarians

I'm afraid of their world

I fear the card catalogue

Electronic, too-

Yeah, I'm afraid of Librarians

I'm afraid of their world

I fear the card catalogue

Electronic, too-

I'm afraid of Librarians

God is a librarian

God is a librarian

God is a librarian

God is a librarian

God is a librarian

God is a librarian

God is a librarian

God is a librarian

God is a librarian

God is a librarian

God is a librarian

God is a librarian

God is a librarian

God is a librarian

God is a librarian

God is a librarian

God is a librarian

God is a librarian

Note: While I *am* indeed afraid of librarians, this is just a silly song brought on by a fun conversation at the Imagicon NaNoWriMo Event last Sunday.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

A Void City Halloween - Part 6... The Grand Finale

"A Void City Halloween" is a six part short story that I've been serializing across the internet in my own funky version of a literary trick or treat. It's almost at an end. If you havent been following along, youll want to start at the beginning of the trick or treat trail:

Part 1 (at Paranormal Haven)

Part 2 (at Pocket After Dark)

Part 3 (over at The League of Reluctant Adults)

Part 4 (at Bitten by Books)

Part 5 (at Amberkatze's Book Blog)

Part 6 (below)

I have no idea how many readers will follow the whole crazy trail of mayhem, but if you've made it all the way back to Write the Fantastic, then you totally deserve to read the ending!

It's Halloween in Void City and the freaks really do come out at night...

Greta's goopified Mindy costume has been abandoned in favor of Slave Leia. Tabitha has managed to save her Wonder Woman costume against all odds. Eric's Mork costume is a goner, leaving him to battle au natural as the uber vamp. And Talbot... is still talking on his cell phone with no interest whatsoever in joining the battle at all. Fang has munched a random trick-or-treater or two, and Magbidion is on the way. So... without further ado: The Grand Finale (or Grand Guignol even).

A Void City Halloween - Part 6


©J. F. Lewis


Eric leaps into the air, wings spread. He sails overhead and the view is enough to give a girl ideas. It's not as if Eric is small, but the uber vamp... is getting struck by purple lightning. The creepy mage with bad teeth and worse clothes cackles as his evil magic plays along Eric's obsidian skin, revealing the uber vamps inhuman bone structure.

"Dad!" Greta charges too and the sizzling smell of burning meat joins the more ashy odor of cooking uber vamp.

Creepo the Magnificent holds father and daughter at bay, the strands of twisting energy turning with violent unpredictability. Like a victim of Sith lightning, Eric is forced to the ground, and is barely managing to stay on his feet, while Greta curls up in a little ball on the asphalt. I look at Eric's undead muscle car.


Fang's engine revs, but a cloud of green smoke vents out of his exhaust pipe in a thick plume. As I watch, his headlights flicker and I hear his engine sputter. I guess the pumpkins he ate disagree with him.

"Talbot?" I spy him perched on the edge of the rooftop and he waves, enjoying the show. I've never understood how he picks his fights, but it's clear Talbot hasn't chosen to participate in this one. "You're seriously not helping?"

"If a demon shows up," he calls back, "I promise to take care of it. Besides, you don't seem to need my help. The pumpkins are down and that mage only has two hands..."


"You're the only person here wearing a one-piece battle-swimsuit and matching boots, Wonder Woman."

"I swear I hate it when I have to do everything myself." I hope he falls off the damn roof.


I hear Eric call me a filthy name when I walk away from the fight in the street and leap up onto the roof to crouch next to Talbot.

"Hey," his brow is furrowed in that same way all men get when they don't understand a woman's actions. Even though he's a mouser, he gets that same look. I almost laugh.

"Hey, yourself." I settle in. "When Eric said that whole bippity boppity thing, do you think he was making a crack about gay mages or-?"

"No," Talbot says, still suspicious. "He was just being crude. Eric doesn't care what people do as long as" he glances back at Eric in a way that makes me believe Talbot's intentions toward my future husband are not entirely honorable. That makes it easier for me to rise to a crouch, grab Talbot by the arm, rotate in place like I'm hurling a discus, and throw him at the bad guy.

"Only Eric gets to do that!" he yells, but he's transforming even then. While Eric's combat mode makes me want to bed him, Talbot's makes me wish for a plush chibi version. White light washes over his suit and skin, leaving sable colored fur in its wake and metallic sliver claws at the tips of his paw-like fingers. He sports a glowing silver mane and brilliantly illuminated star emerald eyes.

"I'm not getting electrocuted in these boots, Talbot!"



I was furious when Tabitha walked away from the fight, but deep down, I knew there was no way she was going to risk those boots. She loves those boots and wouldn't even consider wearing them in the bedroom until after... never mind. TMI. I think Hobo Mage's energy blasts are futzing with my brain.

Talbot soars through the air in a perfect arc. Tabitha apparently has better aim than I do, not that I've actually practiced throwing Talbot at things. Ive only thrown him once really, but no one will let me forget it.

Her plan is simple, but a good one. Unfortunately, it's predicated on the idea that the mage can only generate two streams of agonizing purple lightning at once. Turns out, that's not the case. A new beam streams from the mage's eyes, catching Talbot in midair and slamming him backward into the wall of the dance club below Tabithas position on the roof.

The sound of the impact shows up as a synesthesic blast of greens and yellows that sets my whole visual reality wobbling. Vertigo rears its ugly head, only the world doesn't start spinning, it goes ass over tea kettle. Marilyn's scent, the heady combination of smoke and sex fills my nostrils. The waves of pain flip and become the feel of her touch. I lost Marilyn in an explosion at the Demon Heart, when it was still a strip club. She's the love of my life and my death. No one gets to use her memory like this!

I hate turning into my revenant form. It feels like my body is coming apart when I go all ghostly. The world becomes a cold place rendered in watercolor visuals. But maybe this mage's magic freaky purple lightning doesnt work on ghosts. I let go of my body and the cold snap makes my teeth chatter even though they aren't physical anymore. The lack of spinning knocks me down flat, but it fades almost instantly. After all, my equilibrium isn't handled by my inner ear anymore. A line of ice spreads out from me, and frost covers the road a sign that, though a spectral presence, I can still touch the physical realm.

"Oh-ho!" The mage is smiling. In the spirit realm, he and Talbot are the only two creatures that aren't blurred. They are both rendered with crystal clarity, but while Talbot's form is the same here as when seen with physical eyes, the mages is not. Seen with my spirit eyes, he wears white robes adorned with unfamiliar symbols and markings. His hair braids are even more elaborate, decorated with pins and combs of jade and gold and ivory. "My eyes see in many wavelengths, little Emperor. You cannot hide from me."

A hero would ask who he is or what he wants, but that's the thing about me. I don't care. I want him dead and gone. If he has some puppet masters pulling his strings, they'll get the message when I kill him and decide to leave me alone- or maybe they'll try again and again until eventually I've killed enough of their goons that they have to confront me themselves. I'll add their deaths to the thousands already on my tally.

I see the beam begin to change, turning blue as if he's focusing it to better affect ghost me. Screw that! I go physical, manifest my clothes. I'm not paying attention, so instead of my burned up Mork from Ork outfit, I get my default "Welcome to the Void" t-shirt, leather belt, jeans, and combat boots.

He adjusts again, slowing my progress, so I switch too, feeling my hunger grow with each transition, but not worrying about it enough to stop. I'm gonna beat this asshole, even if I go on a blood-bath rampage after. It's all in the clothes. Recreating them over and over again uses up blood, but I dont have enough concentration remaining to focus on not having any.

"Don't you want to know which one of them sent me?"

"Which one of whom?" I ask before I catch myself.

"So you are curious." He sounds pleased with the idea of my curiosity. "Which one of the others."

"Other what?" I ask, trying to buy time before swapping into ghost-mode again. I managing to move forward. Im almost to the building upon which he is standing.


"So... you're an assassin?" I ask.

"No. I'm a test."

"What? Like a stress test? A pregnancy test? Couldn't they have me fill out a questionnaire online?"

He opens his mouth to answer and then I see Magbidion. He's a seedy-looking reed-thin small-time magician with greasy hair, but he's my seedy-looking reed-thin small-time magician with greasy hair. I don't why, but I'm not surprised at all that he's dressed as the protagonist from that really cool mage detective show that was all too briefly on the Sci Fi Channel, back when it was the Sci Fi Channel- although Mags is carrying a gun instead of a wand or a pet skull. He rises up over the rooftop behind my attacker and fire three rounds from my service revolver.

The bullets don't get him. Hobo Mage stops them in the air with a wave of his hand. I don't get him either. Neither does Talbot. The two of us are still trying to get to him when Slave Leia Greta rockets past in the night and sinks her fangs into Mage Boy's throat. As he vanishes in a puff of pink smoke, Greta bites deep into his aorta. Her throat, neck, and bosom are slick with his blood. She's even holding...

"Is that?"

"I got his nose!" She giggles like a school girl and waggles it at me between her fingers like a kid might do with her own thumb. I can't help but laugh.

He wont be back tonight. If he comes back at all, hell probably have to wear a mask like that phantom in the Paris opera house. Maybe he already found out whatever his bosses wanted him to find out about me. Hard to say. We all gather together in the road, limping, bloody, and mangled, with the notable exception of Tabitha, whose costume is immaculate. Captain Stacey meets us, hands me back my check, and walks away. I guess thats his way of apologizing for not helping out, not that I ever expected his assistance in the first place.

"Can we go home now?" I ask, looking at Greta.

"Sure, Dad."

"Yes, please," Tabitha adds with a nod.

We all pile into Fang, who takes off with a putrid green backfire. By the time we get back to the Demon Heart, though, Fang is running smoothly again. Mags promises to give him a thorough once over in the morning to make sure he has no further problems resulting from the whole Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater bit. My thralls are all waiting for me when I walk into the bowling alley. I thump Talbot in the shoulder and say, "Time in." Greta scowls.

"Time in," Talbot agrees.

Standing in front of me are six very attractive women and every last one of them is dressed as Sexy Big Bird.

"Dad!" Greta says in mock objection. "Your supposedly impartial judge cheated."

"I did indeed." Talbot bows. "But I only did it to prove a point."

"What point?" I ask.

"That this is a short story. In the novels, you never get off this easy."

"Novels?" I ask. "Short stories? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Don't worry about it Eric." Talbot turns and waves as if there is an unseen audience watching in the distance. "Have a Happy Halloween, everybody."

"Are we on a webcam or something?" Greta asks. "Because vampires don't show up on film."

"You know how cats can see things other beings can't?" Talbot looks at her expectantly before answering his own question. "So can mousers." And with that, he walks out of the Demon Heart, whistling to himself.

"Dad?" Greta asks.

I shake my head. "No clue, but I know what Mork might say."


"Nanu nanu."



Thanks for reading "A Void City Halloween" and I hope you'll indulge me my shameless breaking of the fourth wall at the end. If you enjoyed the story, you'll probably enjoy the books STAKED (which is available as a Free Read over at Pocket After Dark for another week or two) and ReVAMPED, which has a promo chapter available over there as well. Fans of Greta should be especially sure to pre-order CROSSED. It's coming out in mass market paperback January 25th, 2011. The first two books are already available in that format and in ebook format as well.

If you want more free fiction, check out "For Want of Chocolate" which I've posted (all in one place) at Pocket After Dark. Any comments or questions are welcome. In particular, I'm curious to know: If you were trick or treating vampire style, what target costume would you call? Also, if you had to go trick or treating with one of the Void City gang, who might you most want to go with?

Happy Halloween!

J.F. (Jeremy) Lewis

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

T-shirt Contest Winner

A note from your friendly neighborhood blogjacker: 

With all the wonderful Halloween goodies (by which I mean J's serialized short story that's popping up on various blogs like a trick-or-treat fun fest), I forgot to announce the winner of last week's T-shirt contest!

Unseelieme is our randomly selected winner!  Please send an email to and let me know your shipping address and preferred size.

Start your Void City trick or treating at Paranormal Haven.  The next blog on the block is Pocket After Dark.  (We finished editing the third section of "A Void City Halloween" last night and J will post it *somewhere* today.)

One more T-shirt to give away before Halloween.  If you were a vampire and went trick or treating with Eric and Greta, what costume would you call and why?   Post your replies here and check back after Halloween to see who won!  (Winner will be randomly selected.  T-shirt to be selected from available sizes in stock. Blah, blah, blah.)


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Hunger by Jackie Morse Kessler

Jackie Morse Kessler's YA first YA novel HUNGER is out this week.

The product description:

"Thou art the Black Rider. Go thee out unto the world."

Lisabeth Lewis has a black steed, a set of scales, and a new job: she’s been appointed Famine. How will an anorexic seventeen-year-old girl from the suburbs fare as one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
Traveling the world on her steed gives Lisa freedom from her troubles at home—her constant battle with hunger, and her struggle to hide it from the people who care about her. But being Famine forces her to go places where hunger is a painful part of everyday life, and to face the horrifying effects of her phenomenal power. Can Lisa find a way to harness that power—and the courage to fight her own inner demons?
A wildly original approach to the issue of eating disorders, Hunger is about the struggle to find balance in a world of extremes, and uses fantastic tropes to explore a difficult topic that touches the lives of many teens.


In the Void City series, we really don't explore the dangers of a human with an eating disorder. Eric makes a throw away line about "never turn a vampire with an eating disorder" and that's about it. Greta's eating disorder does make her very scary, but when it comes right down to it, her problems make her more of a danger to others than to herself. In a way, she's empowered by her human flaws.

In Hunger, despite the paranormal element, Lisa's problem seems all too real and I found the resolution to that portion of the novel to be particularly satisfying. That's not to say that you won't find action, adventure, and some genuine sweetness, but anorexia is almost like it's own character. "The thin voice" in Lisa's head and is more frightening than any of the other horsemen of the apocalypse with whom Lisa deals.

A portion of the proceeds go to the National Eating Disorders Association, so go ahead and buy your copy. Not only is it a good read, but it's for a great cause.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

T-shirt Contest

It's J's blogjacking wife again. I am a very brave person. I just woke up a sleeping author and had him draw a folded up sticky note out of a cup. (Don't worry, he went right back to sleep.)

So... I can now announce that the winner of last week's T-shirt contest is... drumroll... Miss Arrogant. She won randomly (and not for her awesome comments) but I also love what she said: "Void City is fantastic and full of complex and witty characters. Eric is an easy favorite for his downright refusal to be the romantic vampire we've been getting an eyeful of lately. The lore of this world is fascinating and well-written. And Greta is frickin' awesome." Miss Arrogant, please send an email to and let me know what size T-shirt you would like (subject to availability) and where I should send it. You are going to *love* CROSSED- it has lots of great Greta scenes. :) It'll be out in January.

That was fun! Let's do it again! In fact, I think I'll give away a T-shirt every week for the rest of October! To enter, please comment on this post and let me know 1) your favorite character from the Void City series 2) your choice of a theme song for your favorite character and 3) why you think that song fits that character. You've got all week to decide! We'll close the contest at 11:59 PM on Saturday, October 23. The winner will be random, but J does listen to music while he writes- he might just add your suggestion to his playlist.

Don't forget to bounce over to Pocket After Dark and give five stars to J's latest blog, which includes the fantastic short story "For Want of Chocolate".

Friday, October 15, 2010


As I just posted over at The League:

Trick or Frick'n Treat!

Pocket After Dark has STAKED free to read online for the next 30 days, and a preview sample of ReVAMPED, and... I just posted a free short story about Vampires and Chocolate.

It's all here.

Spread the word and enjoy! :)

Thursday, October 14, 2010


Mwahaha! Jeremy's work schedule and writing schedule have kept him so busy for so long that I've obtained permission to blogjack Write the Fantastic for a while. J will still be "guest blogging" on his own official blog, but in between his all-too-infrequent posts, I'll be around to let you know what the author is up to. (Up to what the author is?)

Since I'm logged in as J right now, I'm anonymous. (You can probably guess, though.)

So... what has author J.F. Lewis been doing with his time? For the past two weeks, he's been going through the copy-edits of CROSSED very, very carefully. Those went into the mail yesterday. He's been working on a web comic (about which I am not allowed to say more)- although I suppose I could mention that I've seen the first few finished pages and it looks awesome! He's also going through revisions, edits, and rewrites on an epic sword and sorcery project. I think the next step for that is to send it back through the writers' group for final edits and comments. Last (but never least), J is also working on Void City Book Four.

Now, then... to celebrate my blogjacking, I'd like to give away ONE of the remaining Welcome to the VOID T-shirts (which we no longer sell). I know where he keeps them. To enter, comment on this post and let me know your favorite thing about the VOID CITY series. (Winner will be randomly selected from all those who comment by 12:00 midnight on Saturday, October 16.)

PS: To anyone who has been waiting for something that Jeremy was supposed to mail (cover flats, for example)... I'll get a list of those things and send them out as well. (In his defense, he has been *really* busy!)

Monday, August 30, 2010

Cover Time

It feels strange to be talking about the cover of Crossed (now officially called Crossed, A Void City Novel) before the mass market paperback for ReVamped hits the shelves next month, but like a kid with a new favorite t-shirt, I have to show it off.

This is not the final cover. Quotes and such may change, but I think the artwork side of things is going to remain the same. Gene did a great job of capturing Greta's look. I asked if he could be sure and make Greta look like she might actually kill something (given that she's hands down the character most likely to to go on a killing spree) and since I'm not allowed to have Eric (the male protagonist) on the cover, it was cool that they let my evil flesh-eating Mustang be on the cover again. He even worked in the bowling alley and Greta's pet skull!

You can look for this one on the shelves late January 2011, but ReVamped will hit stores in late September 2010 (just in time for Halloween!) and it will have a preview of the first chapter of Crossed. Here's a hint: They let me start it with a sex scene. It's even plot important! :)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Sneak Peek At Concept Art 1

I can't give you all the details yet, but the Top Secret Web Comic Project is coming along nicely. All I can say right now is that I'm writing it and it's set in the universe of a very cool up and coming roleplaying game.

I just got the first concept sketches for one of the main characters. I won't tell you the character's name yet, but she's cool and a very powerful magic user.

The artwork was done by Laura Sloan ( )and though she will not be doing the artwork in the comic, I just had to share her cool concept art. No sketches of the steam punk robot yet, but when I get them (and get permission to post them) you'll see them. :) The concept she was given was: part Egyptian Mau, part Red-tailed Hawk, and part Wolverine. I think she did a wonderful job.

So what do you think?

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Muse-day Tuesday: ConCarolinas 2010

Long time no blog?

What's up with that? Well, I could make excuses and talk about being under the weather (*cough* still am... don't this letter seem a little hoarse to you?), or about three cons in four weeks... or about page proofs (which are on the way back to my editor even as I type), but instead...

A ConCarolinas Report!!!

This is always a fun con for me. Rob, Dan, and Karen from the WTF always ride down with me (or more accurately are nice enough to let me ride down with them) and I get to see some authors I usually don't get to hang out with much at larger cons, because they are so weighed down by fans they can't even walk down the hallway without the police being called in to direct traffic (okay, that might be a slight exaggeration).

A short, but not complete list: Gail Z. Martin, David B. Coe, A.J. Hartley, Misty Massey, Edmund Schubert, James Maxey, Sabrina Luna... and the list goes on... and on... and on, but I have to be up REALLY frick'n early in the morning (Eldest has to have his adenoids out tomorrow), so I won't whip out my guest list and type in everyone's name.... or even spell check this post.

Gah! Look at it in all its incorrectitude!

What else goes in a con report?

I was on some panels, but do to mucho sinus and cold meds, I think I was a little goofy in most of them. I wonder who won the Deep South Con bid for next year?

Not sure if I'll have a new Werewolf VS Vampire up tomorrow, but if not, I promise a funny post about how long my protagonist has been trying to find a pair on pants in my current WIP.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

We Interrupt this Blogcast

Dear Blog,

I meant to give you a new Werewolf VS Vampire comic today, but the page proofs for the mass market version of ReVAMPED arrived and I have to get them back to Jen by June 6th, so I'll be doing that first.

Back soon,


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Muse-day Tuesday: In Which We Pimp

I want to read UNHOLY GHOSTS by Stacia Kane right frick'n now! Unfortunately, not only has my copy not shown up yet (Why, unnamed book retailer?!? WHY?!?!?), but I really need to stay focused on Project 'Mancer. If you already have your copy then I envy you. I was even a good boy and didn't bug Stacia for an advanced copy of it. Gah!

Want to know why I'm jonesing for the book so bad?

The fastest way to understand is to jump over to Stacia's site and read the first few chapters. Did you go? Did you? If you did, I probably lost you for however long it takes you to read the five chapter preview. Maybe you'll come back... eventually. Of course those of you that already havea copy are still out there. You're probably even giggling madly to yourselves about it and... Wait a minute. Heh.

I just realized a way to torture those of you who already have a copy of UNHOLY GHOSTS. Jackie Kessler. Yup, my weapon of choice. She's funny, charming, talented... and utterly evil. Oh sure, those of you who know Jackie may argue, but I know the truth. Only an evil being intent on reducing all internet denizens into word-starved hordes of rabid fans would post the newest book in her HELL ON EARTH series for free.

"Free?" you may ask, "but isn't that a good thing?"

Oh...You'd think so, but she's doing posting it one chapter a week. See what I mean? E-V-I-L. Check it out, too. I dare you. :)

Oh and more torture: I'll have a new Werewolf VS Vampire post up tomorrow, assuming I can get the stake just the way I want it. Or maybe I'll just hold it hostage until my copy of UNHOLY GHOSTS shows up. Time will tell. ;)

Monday, May 24, 2010

Morbid Monday 3: This Time in Western Haiku

A Haiku or two
I'll provide for all right here
on Morbid Monday

I have to admit
Death by sparkling vampire
would pretty much suck

Moonlit dining plans
are surely not the choice when
with a loup garou

Drowning in the depths
with or without nude mermaids
It is still all wet

Fair weather or foul
Being devoured alive
really truly bites

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Imagicon 2010

The Con is over (Well, mostly, I think they're actually watching the Lost Finale over at Old Car Heaven before it *really* ends) and I've been pretty silent. It's strange that I found time to blog while at an out of town convention, but a hometown convention left me too busy to do the daily update stuff. Sorry.

If you weren't there, you missed some cool stuff.

I had tons of fun hanging out with M. B. Weston and her gal Friday (who isn't actually named Friday, but there ya go). Timothy Zahn was there, but I was too intimidated by my enjoyment of his work to actually say much to him. Lou Anders (Editorial and Art Kahuna of Pyr Books - read their stuff - they have Steampunk Vampires coming out soon) was around the con and it was great to be on a panel with him, Van Plexico, and M. B Weston on Sunday to close out the con.


The funniest moment of the con...

It was not being turned on to @DRUNKHULK...

It was not the various antics with the Vampire balloon...

I wasn't even the bagpipe guy playing the STAR WARS THEME...

I'll give you a hint. It involves Erin Grey (Wilma Deering), Gil Gerard (Buck Rogers), and John Billingsley (Doctor Phlox). I'll set the stage. The celebrity room was on the third floor or McWane. On the left hand side of the back wall sat Erin Grey, Gil Gerard, Bonita Friedericy, and John Billingsley. Erin and Gil were at a panel and John got... bored. So what does a bored John Billingsley do? He takes some of the glossy photos of himself he had for sale and used them to replace all of the photos of Erin Grey and Gil Gerard (even on their posters) with photos of himself to see how long it will take them to notice he's done it upon their return.

Quoth Timothy Zahn "We've replaced your work with Folger's Crystals, let's see if anyone notices."

Then Mr. Billingsley starts a betting pool. IF you're curious, it took Eric Grey and Gil Gerard ten seconds and sixteen seconds respectively to realize what had happened and (thankfully) they thought the joke was just as funny as everyone else.

Perhaps you had to be there, but it was frick'n hilarious.

The blog should be back to normal on Monday. See you then! :)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Broadcast Interruption!!!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Comic Day with me and Lou Anders on TV.

Imagicon is this weekend!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Muse-day Tuesday: Car Talk

I don't know from cars.


Yet in my new WIP, one of the characters is good with cars. She even carries an OBD II Diagnostic Code Scanner around in her purse. Heck. She even knows what the darn thing is for and what the heck the little codes it gives out mean... and further what one might need to do, based on those codes, to make the car work. It took me almost an hour of research per paragraph even though the car references are not the most important part of the scene.

But that's what it's about sometimes. Because you know what? When I read the scene, once all the car lingo had been parsed, trimmed, and edited to remove the Hey-Look-What-I-Learned-itis that always creeps into the initial draft of such scenes... it sounded right. It read like the character. She was there on the page, just like she ought to be, unhindered by my own ignorance.

Know what else?

I still might have to fix it again. I have buddies who know about cars and when they read it they may well need to point out things I still have a little bit wrong. Once it sells, maybe my agent, my editor, my copy editor, or another writer reading it for blurbing purposes might notice more little details that are wrong. I hope not. I HOPE my research was enough, that I have it down, but with each correction, my character will sound more genuine, so that when you, the reader, finally get to look at the final draft, it is as clean and perfect as I can make it... and it might impress you so much that you email me and tell me how right it was and THAT... THAT makes it all worthwhile.

What weird little people we writers really are. ;)

Monday, May 17, 2010

A Monday Less Morbid

Mobicon was pretty darn cool. A big thank you goes out to Wayne, Connie, and everyone else who made it such a good con! It's always fun to see Davey Beauchamp, M.B. Weston, and The Wandering Men. Ben (official Untold Minion) even found time to give Janet and me a short walk-through of UNTOLD (the card-based RPG I mentioned last time).

Oh and I get to see M.B. and The Wandering Men again this weekend at Imagicon. How cool is that?!? And speaking of this weekend. I'm really hoping this year's Imagicon is going to rock. Half the fun is going to be at the McWane center and the other half is at Old Car Heaven. If I understand things correctly, Anime and all the Band (and related dealers) will be at Old Car Heaven and the rest of the fun (lit tracks, celebrity guests, etc) will be at McWane.

The folks at McWane will be showing Star Trek in the dome Imax all weekend. And this is going to sound a little strange, but wait until you see the maps. Anyway, I hope to see you all there! Both venues are a blast when there isn't a convention going on, so with all the awesomeness the folks at Imagicon have planned it should be even better!

Here's the tentative lit track schedule for Imagicon:

Friday, May 21

12:00p.m. "Meet M.B. Weston" Learn what is new from one of today's rising stars in Literature!

1:30p.m. "A Singular Sensation" Dr. Travis Taylor delights the crowd with the rowdy discussion kicked-off by "One Day on Mars"

3:30p.m. "Why oh Y???" Stephanie Osborn and Dr. Taylor bring us into the world of the Cresperian Saga.

5:30p.m. MOVE TO RUSHTON THEATER for: "Jabberwocky Theater: The Looking Glass Series" with Dr. Taylor and John Ringo. Come and discuss a raucously good time as the Looking Glass Series is bounced around and finding where the Jabberwocky comes into play.

7:00p.m. "3 Ringo Circus" John Ringo Come learn what the master author is up to with his latest trilogy.

Saturday, May 22

10:00a.m. "Van Plexico Presents..." Come meet another of the rising stars of the genre: Van Plexico. From Comics to Science Fiction, he has written about it, talked about it, or at least read it. If you haven't picked up one of his books yet, here is a chance to find out what you have been missing!

11:30a.m. "Lou Anders and Pyr Publishing" Come meet Lou Anders and find out what is coming from Pyr Publishing, one of the fastest rising stars of the fantasy and sci-fi world!

1:00p.m. "Baen Road Show" Baen will show the wonders and amazement coming out this year from their Publishing house.

2:30p.m. MOVE TO RUSHTON THEATER for: "Twilight Zahn" We all know about his Star Wars novels but what about those tons of other stories he has done completely away from all of that? Come and discuss the works of one of the best authors in the genre!

4:00p.m. ****Tentatively**** "The Worlds of Thomas T. Thomas"

6:00p.m. "The Legacy of Aldenata" John Ringo Wondering what is up with the Posleen? Come and find out from the creator, himself!

8:00p.m. MOVED TO RUSHTON THEATER for: "The of Ringo" Something "big" is going to happen to Mr. John Ringo! It's not for the faint-of-heart, nor for children. Those with strong political leanings may wish to bring a bit, or other restraints, as necessary. No food-throwing or chair-breaking allowed.

Sunday, May 23

10:00a.m. "Science behind Star Wars and Star Trek and..." Timothy Zahn and Dr. Taylor So can we really go faster than light? Is it possible to teleport matter? Discuss the realities of what we see and read in our favorite genre.

11:30a.m. "Introduction to Planetary Defense" Dr. Taylor We have read the books, seen the movies, now come and hear someone who actually knows the subject matter.

1:00p.m. "Fantasy Today" M.B. Weston, Lou Anders, Van Plexico, J.F. Lewis Wondering why all the Vampires are sparkling? Wondering what happened to the grittiness of Conan? Wonder what happened to the outrageous worlds of Zalazny? Come and talk with some people who would know!

2:30p.m. "Final Thoughts, Anyone?" A feedback session where you, the attendee, get to tell us, what went right, what needs work, and what you'd like to see in 2011!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Wow! More of This? Srsly?!?

Yep, more Adventures of R. G. Strangemind... and Herbert as written by me at age seventeen. What can I say? It's a public service to air my shame (or my Douglas Adams fanboyitis... take your pick) and make you all feel better about the fiction you turned out as a kid.

But FIRST!!!

Hello from Mobicon!

As I type this, I've just finished a Doctor Who Panel (because I luvs The Doctor!) and have escaped back to the room for a few minutes. So far the con seems really nice. The Wandering Men are showing off UNTOLD, their Card Game/RPG. Ben gave me a quick demo and it seems pretty cool. I hope to have more time to check it out either this weekend or next time I see them (which will be at Imagicon next weekend).

But wait... You've read too far, because now you are trapped in another installment of THE ADVENTURES OF R.G. STRANGEMIND... and herbert.

Episode III

Emperor Splort was on the rampage. In only three minutes he proceeded to destroy the entire contents of the royal bedroom not to mention a very lovely antique table that his great grandfather had made by hand. In other words, it was not very intelligent of the youngest council member to disturb him. Furthermore it had probably been the
most idiotic move that the late counselor had ever made. The counselor realized this as his' head sailed off his shoulders and out the window. The other counselors decided that they would postpone any further talks with the Emperor until he was in a better humor or as Emperor Splat III once said, "They ran like hell."

Emperor Splort grabbed an axe from a recently demolished trunk and began swinging at the fleeing Counselors. A few of the counselors made it through the door before he could position himself in front of it, but a great many of them leapt for the only other exit...the windows. In fact, it was the sight of all his council running about his bedroom and leaping out windows that finally began to calm the Emperor down. It was then that Emperor Splort for the first time in two days began to smile. He patted the axe in his hand with a dark gleam in his eye. "I'll get you Slob! You may have gotten away with bungles before, but this time. This time we've got you!"

Meanwhile back in the large gray spaceship, at about the same time Emperor Slob began his rampage, a klaxon began to sound. A pleasant but artificial male voice was heard throughout the ship. "Slob, I really must have your help on the bridge. I can't fly the ship all the time without a human instruction. Oh yes...Emperor Splort has issued a reward for anyone who can capture you, although the reward is greater for bringing back your lifeless body. Thank you." Slob stared at the intercom in disbelief and then looked at Herbert, who was still stuck in the wall. Disbelief turned to glee as Slob formed a plan.

While all this was going on, R.G.'s body had been coming closer and closer to the ship's powers. It had almost turned once or twice, but as if it were guided by some mystic sense of destiny, it continued to head straight along the corridor, to itself ultimate demise. As it run along the corridor the scenery began to change. The beautiful white walls were now red and bore large warning labels which had R.G. been
inhabiting it he would've recognized as an odd form of english.

It was as R.G, was inspecting a strange machine, which seemed to do nothing more than sing odd folk songs about toasters, that R.G. felt a presence.

"Hello?" said R.G.

"Greetings," responded a pleasant but artificial voice. "Existing on both the astral and physical plane has allowed me to detect your presence."

"Amazing!" whispered R.G. "Who? What? are you?"

"I am the ship computer. I hope you enjoy your stay on this ship and your body is heading towards certain death in the ship's powercore. Thank you."

R.G. desperately began searching for the ship's powercore.


Herbert opened his' eyes and couldn't see anything, in fact he could hear anything either. He must dead! He began to yell when he realized that he was unnaturally cold, but then again, he metal used in spaceship walls is very cold. It was about this time that Slob pulled Herbert out of the wall and Herbert realized he was alive. Herbert also realize that a strange blue alien was running a corridor. Herbert
decided to follow him and about three hundred yards down that same corridor, a now existent purple was walking in herbert and Slob's direction. The purple thing with a lot of teeth's name was Ginger and Ginger was mad.

R.G. "ran" (one doesn't actually run while in astral form, but saying that some one floated determinedly down the hall is rather anti-climatic) determinedly down the hall looking for his body. He had searched the areas he thought the powercore likely to be found in, after realizing that entity calling itself the Ship's Computer would no longer talk to him. Suddenly R.G. had an idea. He calm down and began to try
to "feel" the direction of his body. To R,G,'s left he felt an almost imperceptible tingle, and off he went while his body stood still before a large metal door bearing the alien equivalent of a radiation symbol (A piece of toasted garlic bread), that was slowly beginning to open.

Back on the planet Slag, Emperor Splort was holding a war council. Splort was a tall imposing man with green skin and well defined muscles. He looked even more imposing as he stood (towered, actually) over the remaining members of the royal council. None of the councilmen knew what their late youngest member had said to enrage him, but they weren't about to ask and he wasn't going to tell them. The light in the room glistened off of his bald skull given him a strange halo as he spoke.

"I'm going to have a war gentlemen. I'm going to go out with the bounty hunters and kill our beloved friend Slob"

"But sir..."began one of the councilmen, but that was as far he got before his head was simply no longer present, taking his nervously system quite by surprise and causing him to make unsightly jerking motions as his body dropped to the floor. Splort surveyed the court room with a smoking disintegrator in his hand.

"Are there anymore objections", he asked. Oddly enough there were none. The disintegrator did have a little to do with the lack of objections, but also, the council had decided that if the Emperor wanted to go off and get killed, it would be more than fine with them.

Splort grinned and contemplated Slob's death at his hands.


Back on the large gray spaceship. Herbert and Slob continued, unknowingly, in Ginger's direction. Ginger was angry, hungry and desperately wanted to kill the robot that had given him a flea bath instead of a haircut.

R.G.'s mindless but strangely mobile body, was walking towards the now open metal door, when R.G.'s mental presence entered the hallway "screaming","Nooooooooo!" R.G. rushed towards his body when suddenly he struck a barrier and his body turned to him smiling. (Maybe I was being a bit hasty when I said mindless, eh?)

Slob was excited. His plan was working, the big earthling was following him, and he had yet to be killed. There had been an old legend among his people that one there would come forth The Great Stupid One who would come forth and return them to the light. Perhaps this earthling was him, or atleast would pass for him.

Herbert, who was currently following the strange blue alien (Slob), wasn't thinking of anything, but of course that wasn't unusual.

Back on the planet Slag, however, Emperor Splort was thinking of something. he was thinking of different ways he could kill Slob, many of which involved strange any many times interesting uses for a size fifty one drill.

"Oh yes," he thought,"This will indeed be fun." Soon the Imperial flag ships would be ready and he could head after Slob with all the firepower he would ever need.

Ginger was still heading down the corridor when he saw a blue alien come around the corner. Ginger grinned and spoke (Well sort of) for the first time.

As Slob looked at the large purple thing with a lot of teeth, he didn't worry...they don't exist right? Atleast that's they way he reacted until it grinned at him and began to howl. It took him almost a full half of a second to turn around and then he was running for his life.

Herbert was following the strange blue alien and staring blankly, when suddenly the alien changed direction and collided with his chest. Had Herbert been more attentive, he may have heard the howling and began running in the other direction, instead of staring at the blue alien and trying to puzzle out what was going on. Fortunately, Ginger's appearance made everything clear.

Meanwhile in the corridor outside the ship's powercore, R.G. was puzzled, which was beginning to happen far to often than the most intelligent person on Earth would've liked.

"Who are you?" he stammered to his body, wondering how it could perceive on the astral plane and if it could even hear him. It could.

"Now that I have your attention", came a loud rumbling voice, "I shall introduce myself. I am called Toastus. On many different worlds I have many different names. I am called Malted by the ice men of Creamia, Splagnat by the people of the planet Slag, but of all I prefer the name Toastus, for it is a true name of power! You, R.G. Strangemind shall be my emmisary in this cosmic mission. You shall be a crumb sent forth from my self to the..."

"Excuse me, my dear Super powerful Entity, but what are you talking about?"

Toastus was not amused.

Note: This first appeared in Birmingham Telecommunications News and remains Copyright 1991 by Jeremy F. Lewis

Only one or two more episodes to go. :)

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Thursday Update 3

First things first the winners for signed cover flats are...

Steve L
Matt C

So that's one winner from the blog and two from the fan page. Congrats to all the winners! Please email me with your shipping details and I'll get your cover flat in the mail. :)

And now that all the prizes have been doled out, it's time for another Thursday update!

Project 'Mancer Statistics:

Current word count: 26,793 (a little slow this week)
Estimated Percentage Complete: 35.7%
Project Completion Date: No later than 12:01 AM August 1st, 2010.
Current chances of hitting that target: Still looking good, but I need to buckle down and make sure I still get my writing time in during the next few weeks even though I'll be a several conventions: Mobicon this weekend, Imagicon next weekend, and ConCarolinas two weeks after that.

I also drew another Werewolf VS Vampire comic for next week.

Upcoming Releases (No changes here):

Staked (French translation) from Bragelonne: TBA
Staked (Italian translation) from Newton Compton: TBA

ReVamped in mass market paperback from Pocket Books: October 2010
ReVamped (French translation) from Bragelonne: TBA
ReVamped (Italian translation) from Newton Compton: TBA

Crossed in mass market paperback from Pocket Books: Early 2011

As for what's coming up for tomorrow...

More R.G. Strangemind, Herbert, Slob, and Purple Things with a lot of teeth.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Werewolf VS Vampire 2: Twilight

Here's another one, sparked by a question I get at conventions a lot:

Anyone who wants a signed cover flat of ReVamped, don't forget to comment on yesterday's blog post or on facebook. Cheers! :)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Muse-day Tuesday: Bass times Fork

(Note: There's a tiny contest at the end)

It's funny what you think you hear, but when my wife was talking about the definition of Work (ie. the sciency definition not the what-I-do-to-get-paid definition, it turned into Bass times Fork divided by distance. Which even if you change the terms to Mass, Force and Distance, still isn't right, but it's what I heard. Maybe I'm hungry.

I guess it's really something like Work = Force/Distance. Which is why I was afraid of Mrs. Bola when I was in school. She was very short, very round, and therefore the most forceful teacher I had at the time. (Because Force=Mass time Acceleration... which is measured in Newtons... like snacktime.) Maybe that's why people are afraid of Fang... or it could be that he eats people by running over them and shucking them like a human corncob. (Yep, definitely hungry)


Speaking of which... COVER FLATS! I know I've seen the cover to ReVamped before, but it is just so frick'n cool to come home and find cover for a new edition of one of my books in the mail. I don't think it's just me either. I suspect all authors get a little thrill. I think I'll share. Maybe you'd like a cover flat in the mail? Everyone who comments on this post between now and Thursday at 11:59 pm will be entered into a drawing for a signed cover flat of ReVamped. You can stop by my Facebook fan page and comment there too and you'll get an extra chance to win. I have several cover flats, so I'll probably give two or three away.

P.S. I'll have another Werewolf VS Vampire thingy up tomorrow. The artwork will be shabby (as usual). but I still hope you'll be amused. :)

Monday, May 10, 2010

Morbid Monday 2: Getting Gorey

Rather than discuss death by Jell-o (which might be my topic for next Monday). Let's talk about some truly morbid fun...

Which means we have to talk, just for a moment, about Siobhan Magnus. (Don't worry, this is not a post about American Idol). I enjoyed her rendition of "Paint It Black", but none of her other performances ever really worked for me. What I do find interesting is her style, her presence, but most of all... the tattoo on her upper arm. I thought it was a Mary Poppins tattoo.

It's not.

Vote The Worst has a great image of the tattoo next to the artwork upon which it is based.

That's the cover to Edward Gorey's abecedarian work The Gashleycrumb Tinies. Yes, he's the "Gorey" from the title of this blog post. If I get nothing out of American Idol this year other than the an introduction to this man's absurd yet morbid literary works and art, it will have been well worth the time spent. How can you not love a book which includes lines like:

"A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.
B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
C is for Clara who wasted away.
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh..."

I haven't read much of Gorey's work yet, but I'm going to be looking into it. And I can't help but think of Greta holding a copy of The Gashleycrumb Tinies alongside her copy of Neil Gaiman's The Dangerous Alphabet, and of course, AlphaOops: H is for Halloween by Alethea Kontis. I picture her curled up in Fang's trunk with all three volumes (physical copies, though I suppose she could have them on a iPad) cuddling her favorite pet skull (more on that when CROSSED comes out in 2011) and reading the books aloud to it while showing Telly (that's the skull) all the pictures. What fun!


Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day...with TRON Legacy?

One of the things I remember very clearly about childhood are the movies. The Capri Theater has been closed for years, but when I think of the first time I saw Raiders of the Lost Ark or Star Wars, the Capri is what I'm remembering. From the time I was so small I had to sit on the front of the folding seat with it still in the upright position so that I could see, to the time I had to start making sure I didn't sit in front of little kids. In the summers if you had breakfast at the fast food place (I don't remember the name, only that they had Tater tots) you could show up and watch several movies for free.... which is how I discovered Godzilla, Jason and the Argonauts... and a whole, bunch of other movies, but Tron... Tron I had to pay to see.

One thing I always remembered about Tron was wishing they'd made *the game*, not Tron. They made two of those, of which Disks of Tron was the better, but I always wanted to play Space Paranoids! You know? The one that was Flynn's game? The non-existent tank game?


Well now you can get a refresher course! I'm guessing the release has a little something to do with the upcoming release of Tron Legacy, but regardless of how it came to be, it's here.

How cool is that?!?

Oh, and speaking of cool... I can't wait to see Tron Legacy. You can check out the trailers here and here. Yup. I'm a nerd. :) For those of you in Mobile, I'll be there this coming weekend for Mobicon. Hope to see you there!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

A Haiku and the Bestest Vampire Song Ever!

Six am in the morning
is way too early
for insistent wrong numbers

Seriously whoever you are. It's too early in the morning and "I'm on my way" is never a correct response to "I missed a few calls from this number."

That aside, I just watched the coolest vampire video ever. If I could set it as my ringtone, I totally would. :)

I have a Gollum-loves-The-One-Ring level appreciation for this song. Heh.

Oh, and I had a question... would folks like it if I picked a day where folks could ask questions about publishing, writing, Void City, or other stuff and I blog the answers the next day? Just curious.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Will the Insanity Never End?!?

Once again, we turn back the clock to 1991. In a year, Image comics would debut and I'd buy multiple covers of Spawn, Shadowhawk, Youngblood, Savage Dragon, and looming in the distance was a full time job at Lion & Unicorn. In a few more years, Marvel Comics would buy Heroes World distribution and go exclusive with them resulting in some really wild and crazy times for those of us trying to work out a comics order. But deep, under the surface there was bad fiction to be written and I was writing some of it.

Behold The Adventures of R. G. Strangemind and... Herbert

Episode 2

R.G. woke up, only to be knocked out again. Herbert woke up, only to be knocked out again. R.G. and Herbert both woke up, just in time to look very confused when they were both knocked out again. Although they were unaware of it, (They were busy being knocked unconscious) over them stood a strange looking blue alien with a rubber mallet. The alien's name was Slob. Slob was a rather round and cartoonish fellow, with round black eyes and a mouth that seemed to be a little larger than his head.

He, Slob, was standing over our heroes and hitting them over the head with the mallet every time they began to stir. They would open their' eyes and see only a bright blue flash before they were once again unconscious. Slob continued the pattern of blows for quite sometime before he was bored and put the mallet on a high self in the wall and left the room. Slob walked through the halls of his mighty ship wondering if Emperor Splort had noticed. He couldn't have seen what happened on Earth could he? He was sure that he had been far enough away from Earth not to affect reality and he almost had been, but that darned blue button just had to have appeared.

Slob was angry, in fact, he was angry enough to litter! Right there in the middle of corridor six, Slob whipped out a piece of paper and threw it to the ground. A large smile of malice appeared on his face and he ground the piece of paper into the nice tidy floor. He was just about to spit on the paper when an overly loud voice behind him bellowed ,"YOU HAVE LITTERED!" Slob screamed.

R.G. awoke. As he looked up, he beheld one of the purple things (that didn't exist). He only had time to yell, "HERBERT!!!" when his mind which had become so used to only logical thinking decided to go on vacation, leaving his body to fend for itself. As R.G. fell to the floor, Herbert awoke. He was, needless to say, quite startled by the sudden shriek R.G. had emitted and after convincing himself that he wasn't going to be knocked out again, he stood up. The nonexistent purple thing, who had been staring at the gibbering R.G., turned to face the rising Herbert, with hate in his eyes (that didn't exist). Herbert, quite oblivious to his seemingly-impending doom, began to stretch himself.

"Rargh?", asked the confused figment.

"R.G., did you saying something?" is what Herbert meant to say, but as he turned and saw the monster although came out was "Argh!". The monster, reassured of its monsterhood and ability to frighten people, charged Herbert. Fortunately, Herbert was prepared and as the monster
was bearing down upon him, swung his fist in a punch that knocked the purple thing right into existence, not to mention a really hard wall. Herbert advanced towards the monster and the monster (that was now quite existent) sighed. Herbert, taking this as a sign of hostility ran in
horror down the hallway.

Meanwhile in the recesses of the ship, R.G.'s mind was trying to find it's way back to his body.

Slob was still screaming when the over large robot, S.T.U.P.I.D. (Super Tough Union Personnel Incinerator Drone) 13 repeated his statement. "YOU HAVE LITTERED!". Slob came to his senses.

"Listen, Mister 13", then said, " I wasn't littering, I was picking it up." Slob grabbed the paper and stuck it in his own mouth. "See, I was disposing of it...besides you didn't see me did you?"

"See you what?", grinned the Extremely bulky drone.

"Litter, of...Oops",said slob sheepishly, "I'm not in trouble am I?" In response the gleaming robot began to raise one gigantically massive fist, while Slob screamed.

As R.G.'s mind was wandering around the ship and thinking about the wonders of astral projection, his body was skipping down corridor seven, the corridor leading to the ship's power core, quite unaware of any danger. Of course, if R.G.'s mind had known, it may have been a little
more anxious to regain contact, but as it was, R.G.'s mind was content to take a leisurely stroll around the ship.

Slob was still screaming when he began to hear the sound. It was a quite peculiar sound, like some one screaming, but Slob was to preoccupied with the floor as it continued to rise towards the great fist above him to notice Herbert, who ran screaming in to the room.

Herbert saw before him a robot of unrivaled proportions and strength, but not realizing that to dodge an object one must move in such a way as to avoid that object, he ran headlong in to S.T.U.P.I.D. 13, and was taken quite by surprise when hurled against the wall by the
resounding explosion. He could see and there was nothing except a loud ringing his eyes then Slob opened his eyes. He was alive! the robot was gone, there was a human embedded in the wall! Life was wonderful! Life was grand Life was...A human embedded in the wall? Slob towards Herbert.

The purple thing with a lot of teeth (that had recently begun to exist), was confused. After all reality is quite a shock...especially for one who's just been introduced to it. He could see why people were scared of him, his hair was mess! Just look at those nails! How could anyone ever be attracted to shambling mound of hair teeth and dirty fingernails? He knew exactly what he must do. He must find the nearest Beauty Salon and have complete make over. Meanwhile on the planet Slag...

End Episode 2.

Note: This first appeared in Birmingham Telecommunications News and remains Copyright 1991 by Jeremy F. Lewis

Worse that the first. I know. But here's what's coming up. Once I finish posting this old stuff, I'll post a brand new short story. And run some sort of contest. But more on that later. :)