Wow! More of This? Srsly?!?

Yep, more Adventures of R. G. Strangemind... and Herbert as written by me at age seventeen. What can I say? It's a public service to air my shame (or my Douglas Adams fanboyitis... take your pick) and make you all feel better about the fiction you turned out as a kid.

But FIRST!!!

Hello from Mobicon!

As I type this, I've just finished a Doctor Who Panel (because I luvs The Doctor!) and have escaped back to the room for a few minutes. So far the con seems really nice. The Wandering Men are showing off UNTOLD, their Card Game/RPG. Ben gave me a quick demo and it seems pretty cool. I hope to have more time to check it out either this weekend or next time I see them (which will be at Imagicon next weekend).

But wait... You've read too far, because now you are trapped in another installment of THE ADVENTURES OF R.G. STRANGEMIND... and herbert.

Episode III

Emperor Splort was on the rampage. In only three minutes he proceeded to destroy the entire contents of the royal bedroom not to mention a very lovely antique table that his great grandfather had made by hand. In other words, it was not very intelligent of the youngest council member to disturb him. Furthermore it had probably been the
most idiotic move that the late counselor had ever made. The counselor realized this as his' head sailed off his shoulders and out the window. The other counselors decided that they would postpone any further talks with the Emperor until he was in a better humor or as Emperor Splat III once said, "They ran like hell."

Emperor Splort grabbed an axe from a recently demolished trunk and began swinging at the fleeing Counselors. A few of the counselors made it through the door before he could position himself in front of it, but a great many of them leapt for the only other exit...the windows. In fact, it was the sight of all his council running about his bedroom and leaping out windows that finally began to calm the Emperor down. It was then that Emperor Splort for the first time in two days began to smile. He patted the axe in his hand with a dark gleam in his eye. "I'll get you Slob! You may have gotten away with bungles before, but this time. This time we've got you!"

Meanwhile back in the large gray spaceship, at about the same time Emperor Slob began his rampage, a klaxon began to sound. A pleasant but artificial male voice was heard throughout the ship. "Slob, I really must have your help on the bridge. I can't fly the ship all the time without a human instruction. Oh yes...Emperor Splort has issued a reward for anyone who can capture you, although the reward is greater for bringing back your lifeless body. Thank you." Slob stared at the intercom in disbelief and then looked at Herbert, who was still stuck in the wall. Disbelief turned to glee as Slob formed a plan.

While all this was going on, R.G.'s body had been coming closer and closer to the ship's powers. It had almost turned once or twice, but as if it were guided by some mystic sense of destiny, it continued to head straight along the corridor, to itself ultimate demise. As it run along the corridor the scenery began to change. The beautiful white walls were now red and bore large warning labels which had R.G. been
inhabiting it he would've recognized as an odd form of english.

It was as R.G, was inspecting a strange machine, which seemed to do nothing more than sing odd folk songs about toasters, that R.G. felt a presence.

"Hello?" said R.G.

"Greetings," responded a pleasant but artificial voice. "Existing on both the astral and physical plane has allowed me to detect your presence."

"Amazing!" whispered R.G. "Who? What? are you?"

"I am the ship computer. I hope you enjoy your stay on this ship and your body is heading towards certain death in the ship's powercore. Thank you."

R.G. desperately began searching for the ship's powercore.

***

Herbert opened his' eyes and couldn't see anything, in fact he could hear anything either. He must dead! He began to yell when he realized that he was unnaturally cold, but then again, he metal used in spaceship walls is very cold. It was about this time that Slob pulled Herbert out of the wall and Herbert realized he was alive. Herbert also realize that a strange blue alien was running a corridor. Herbert
decided to follow him and about three hundred yards down that same corridor, a now existent purple was walking in herbert and Slob's direction. The purple thing with a lot of teeth's name was Ginger and Ginger was mad.

R.G. "ran" (one doesn't actually run while in astral form, but saying that some one floated determinedly down the hall is rather anti-climatic) determinedly down the hall looking for his body. He had searched the areas he thought the powercore likely to be found in, after realizing that entity calling itself the Ship's Computer would no longer talk to him. Suddenly R.G. had an idea. He calm down and began to try
to "feel" the direction of his body. To R,G,'s left he felt an almost imperceptible tingle, and off he went while his body stood still before a large metal door bearing the alien equivalent of a radiation symbol (A piece of toasted garlic bread), that was slowly beginning to open.

Back on the planet Slag, Emperor Splort was holding a war council. Splort was a tall imposing man with green skin and well defined muscles. He looked even more imposing as he stood (towered, actually) over the remaining members of the royal council. None of the councilmen knew what their late youngest member had said to enrage him, but they weren't about to ask and he wasn't going to tell them. The light in the room glistened off of his bald skull given him a strange halo as he spoke.

"I'm going to have a war gentlemen. I'm going to go out with the bounty hunters and kill our beloved friend Slob"

"But sir..."began one of the councilmen, but that was as far he got before his head was simply no longer present, taking his nervously system quite by surprise and causing him to make unsightly jerking motions as his body dropped to the floor. Splort surveyed the court room with a smoking disintegrator in his hand.

"Are there anymore objections", he asked. Oddly enough there were none. The disintegrator did have a little to do with the lack of objections, but also, the council had decided that if the Emperor wanted to go off and get killed, it would be more than fine with them.

Splort grinned and contemplated Slob's death at his hands.

***

Back on the large gray spaceship. Herbert and Slob continued, unknowingly, in Ginger's direction. Ginger was angry, hungry and desperately wanted to kill the robot that had given him a flea bath instead of a haircut.

R.G.'s mindless but strangely mobile body, was walking towards the now open metal door, when R.G.'s mental presence entered the hallway "screaming","Nooooooooo!" R.G. rushed towards his body when suddenly he struck a barrier and his body turned to him smiling. (Maybe I was being a bit hasty when I said mindless, eh?)

Slob was excited. His plan was working, the big earthling was following him, and he had yet to be killed. There had been an old legend among his people that one there would come forth The Great Stupid One who would come forth and return them to the light. Perhaps this earthling was him, or atleast would pass for him.

Herbert, who was currently following the strange blue alien (Slob), wasn't thinking of anything, but of course that wasn't unusual.

Back on the planet Slag, however, Emperor Splort was thinking of something. he was thinking of different ways he could kill Slob, many of which involved strange any many times interesting uses for a size fifty one drill.

"Oh yes," he thought,"This will indeed be fun." Soon the Imperial flag ships would be ready and he could head after Slob with all the firepower he would ever need.

Ginger was still heading down the corridor when he saw a blue alien come around the corner. Ginger grinned and spoke (Well sort of) for the first time.

As Slob looked at the large purple thing with a lot of teeth, he didn't worry...they don't exist right? Atleast that's they way he reacted until it grinned at him and began to howl. It took him almost a full half of a second to turn around and then he was running for his life.

Herbert was following the strange blue alien and staring blankly, when suddenly the alien changed direction and collided with his chest. Had Herbert been more attentive, he may have heard the howling and began running in the other direction, instead of staring at the blue alien and trying to puzzle out what was going on. Fortunately, Ginger's appearance made everything clear.

Meanwhile in the corridor outside the ship's powercore, R.G. was puzzled, which was beginning to happen far to often than the most intelligent person on Earth would've liked.

"Who are you?" he stammered to his body, wondering how it could perceive on the astral plane and if it could even hear him. It could.

"Now that I have your attention", came a loud rumbling voice, "I shall introduce myself. I am called Toastus. On many different worlds I have many different names. I am called Malted by the ice men of Creamia, Splagnat by the people of the planet Slag, but of all I prefer the name Toastus, for it is a true name of power! You, R.G. Strangemind shall be my emmisary in this cosmic mission. You shall be a crumb sent forth from my self to the..."

"Excuse me, my dear Super powerful Entity, but what are you talking about?"

Toastus was not amused.



Note: This first appeared in Birmingham Telecommunications News and remains Copyright 1991 by Jeremy F. Lewis

Only one or two more episodes to go. :)

Will the Insanity Never End?!?

Once again, we turn back the clock to 1991. In a year, Image comics would debut and I'd buy multiple covers of Spawn, Shadowhawk, Youngblood, Savage Dragon, and looming in the distance was a full time job at Lion & Unicorn. In a few more years, Marvel Comics would buy Heroes World distribution and go exclusive with them resulting in some really wild and crazy times for those of us trying to work out a comics order. But deep, under the surface there was bad fiction to be written and I was writing some of it.

Behold The Adventures of R. G. Strangemind and... Herbert

Episode 2

R.G. woke up, only to be knocked out again. Herbert woke up, only to be knocked out again. R.G. and Herbert both woke up, just in time to look very confused when they were both knocked out again. Although they were unaware of it, (They were busy being knocked unconscious) over them stood a strange looking blue alien with a rubber mallet. The alien's name was Slob. Slob was a rather round and cartoonish fellow, with round black eyes and a mouth that seemed to be a little larger than his head.

He, Slob, was standing over our heroes and hitting them over the head with the mallet every time they began to stir. They would open their' eyes and see only a bright blue flash before they were once again unconscious. Slob continued the pattern of blows for quite sometime before he was bored and put the mallet on a high self in the wall and left the room. Slob walked through the halls of his mighty ship wondering if Emperor Splort had noticed. He couldn't have seen what happened on Earth could he? He was sure that he had been far enough away from Earth not to affect reality and he almost had been, but that darned blue button just had to have appeared.

Slob was angry, in fact, he was angry enough to litter! Right there in the middle of corridor six, Slob whipped out a piece of paper and threw it to the ground. A large smile of malice appeared on his face and he ground the piece of paper into the nice tidy floor. He was just about to spit on the paper when an overly loud voice behind him bellowed ,"YOU HAVE LITTERED!" Slob screamed.

R.G. awoke. As he looked up, he beheld one of the purple things (that didn't exist). He only had time to yell, "HERBERT!!!" when his mind which had become so used to only logical thinking decided to go on vacation, leaving his body to fend for itself. As R.G. fell to the floor, Herbert awoke. He was, needless to say, quite startled by the sudden shriek R.G. had emitted and after convincing himself that he wasn't going to be knocked out again, he stood up. The nonexistent purple thing, who had been staring at the gibbering R.G., turned to face the rising Herbert, with hate in his eyes (that didn't exist). Herbert, quite oblivious to his seemingly-impending doom, began to stretch himself.

"Rargh?", asked the confused figment.

"R.G., did you saying something?" is what Herbert meant to say, but as he turned and saw the monster although came out was "Argh!". The monster, reassured of its monsterhood and ability to frighten people, charged Herbert. Fortunately, Herbert was prepared and as the monster

was bearing down upon him, swung his fist in a punch that knocked the purple thing right into existence, not to mention a really hard wall. Herbert advanced towards the monster and the monster (that was now quite existent) sighed. Herbert, taking this as a sign of hostility ran in

horror down the hallway.

Meanwhile in the recesses of the ship, R.G.'s mind was trying to find it's way back to his body.

Slob was still screaming when the over large robot, S.T.U.P.I.D. (Super Tough Union Personnel Incinerator Drone) 13 repeated his statement. "YOU HAVE LITTERED!". Slob came to his senses.

"Listen, Stupid...er Mister 13", then said, " I wasn't littering, Honest...er I was picking it up." Slob grabbed the paper and stuck it in his own mouth. "See, I was disposing of it...besides you didn't see me did you?"

"See you what?", grinned the Extremely bulky drone.

"Litter, of...Oops",said slob sheepishly, "I'm not in trouble am I?" In response the gleaming robot began to raise one gigantically massive fist, while Slob screamed.

As R.G.'s mind was wandering around the ship and thinking about the wonders of astral projection, his body was skipping down corridor seven, the corridor leading to the ship's power core, quite unaware of any danger. Of course, if R.G.'s mind had known, it may have been a little

more anxious to regain contact, but as it was, R.G.'s mind was content to take a leisurely stroll around the ship.

Slob was still screaming when he began to hear the sound. It was a quite peculiar sound, like some one screaming, but Slob was to preoccupied with the floor as it continued to rise towards the great fist above him to notice Herbert, who ran screaming in to the room.

Herbert saw before him a robot of unrivaled proportions and strength, but not realizing that to dodge an object one must move in such a way as to avoid that object, he ran headlong in to S.T.U.P.I.D. 13, and was taken quite by surprise when hurled against the wall by the

resounding explosion. He could see and there was nothing except a loud ringing his eyes then Slob opened his eyes. He was alive! the robot was gone, there was a human embedded in the wall! Life was wonderful! Life was grand Life was...A human embedded in the wall? Slob towards Herbert.

The purple thing with a lot of teeth (that had recently begun to exist), was confused. After all reality is quite a shock...especially for one who's just been introduced to it. He could see why people were scared of him, his hair was mess! Just look at those nails! How could anyone ever be attracted to shambling mound of hair teeth and dirty fingernails? He knew exactly what he must do. He must find the nearest Beauty Salon and have complete make over. Meanwhile on the planet Slag...

End Episode 2.

Note: This first appeared in Birmingham Telecommunications News and remains Copyright 1991 by Jeremy F. Lewis

Worse that the first. I know. But here's what's coming up. Once I finish posting this old stuff, I'll post a brand new short story. And run some sort of contest. But more on that later. :)

Let The Insanity Begin!!! Installment 1

A little history before we start.

Some of this is still fairly humorous, but some of it is BAD. Not Eric's potty-mouth bad or going on a date with Greta bad or even spilling wine on Talbot's new bespoke suit bad... more like listening to Tiny Tim sing while playing the ukulele bad. I also wrote it when I was in my teens. It was a time when there were these really cool things called Bulletin Board Systems and Birmingham was home to the American Online BBS (before Rocky sold the name to the current America Online) and the Crunchy Frog BBS where folks could connect via 1200 or even 2400 baud modem. I would soon be working at a local comic and games store, Lion & Unicorn, while helping Sean and Genesis Books with his new comics shipment.

I was listening to a lot of Iron Maiden and Information Society. I was big into Star Wars, Star Trek, and Doctor Who... which is all still true... Oh, and the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy had just come into my life.

I fell in love with the work of Douglas Adams and I think it kind of shows in what you'll be reading here. So sit back and laugh (either at the humor or the general horribleness) that is...

The Adventures of R.G. Strangemind... and Herbert

Installment 1

It was almost sunrise when the old yellow car pulled into the driveway. The car was so old that no one could remember (or discern) what kind it had been originally nd Herbert, it's driver, wasn't telling. All that mattered was that it drove well enough and that Herbert liked it and as the planet's strongest man what Herbert liked was fairly important. The house at which he had arrived belonged to his best friend R.G. Strangemind, who ironically happened to be the most intelligent man on the Earth.

Herbert had always been in awe of his friend, though distinctly more in awe when at the age of nine and having seen Star Wars for the first time R.G. had been the only person on his block to build a working blaster, in fact he had been the only person to ever build a working blaster and this in and of it self set him high in Herbert's estimation

Stepping out of the car and attempting to ignore the tremedous creak, Herbert walked up the driveway to R.G.'s door. Like many other things (among them soup that you can cook in the microwave and in fact microwaves and gadgets that in general do neat and interesting things), R.G.'s house posed a mental image that Hervert was never quite able to grasp. He could never get past the door. He understood that the door was made of a new metal alloy that R.G. had invented and he even further understood that it was the entry way to his friend residence. What he did not understand was where R.G.'s house actually was and how his friend hid all of that neat stuff behind a door standing alone in an otherwise vacant lot. Shrugging his shoulders, Herbert knocked on the door then opened it.

"Are you ready for work?" he bellowed in his uniquely loud voice. R.G. was a tall, wild eyed, lanky individual whose hair often reminded people of a cat being electrocuted. He wore a white lab coat and he carried a piece of toast in his right hand. He was the complete opposite of Herbert, who was the perfect image of masculine strength.

"You are late!" screeched R.G. in his mouse-like voice, "What is your reason?"

Herbert spoke sheepishly and with much shuffling of his feet, "I couldn't find my keys."

At this R.G. became angry. "And where were your' keys," he in an impatient but amused tone.

"In the ignition," replied Herbert.

R.G. was so angry at this moment that the toaster decided to explode, quite surprising the table upon which it had been sitting. Herbert leapt back with the speed and agility of a tiger, avoiding a flying piece of toast and tripping over the coffee table. R.G., however, was hit by the deadly piece of breakfast paraphernalia and was knocked to the floor.

"What happened," asked Herbert.

"The toaster exploded, you idiot," replied R.G. "What else would send toast flying all over the room?" With that episode at an end and with the extinguishing of a small table in the kitchen, the unlikely pair set of for work.

R.G. worked at a nuclear power plant and Herbert was his assistant. R.G. was very careful, however, only to let Herbert perform the most insignificant tasks (flipping the light switch on, emptying the waste basket, etc.). Today, Herbert task was to push the blue button that started the generators testing sequence. Unfortunately, there were two blue buttons on the console and Herbert, afraid to ask which button,
pushed them both. Herbert, who didn't notice his mistake, reacted by smiling and thought that the flashing red light and the blaring sirens, were new additions to the testing sequence. R.G., who noticed Herbert's error reacted by screeming and making terrible remarks about Herbert's parentage. The Nuclear Reactor and accompanying research complex also noticed Herbert's error and reacted by blowing itself and everything in a very wide area quite to pieces.

At this moment several not so important thing happened: a large gray space ship kidnapped a great number of purple things with a lot of teeth, that didn't exist, On the planet Earth a small nuclear reactor exploded blowing up everything around it for miles(Fortunately is was soon reconstructed along with its inhabitants and the surrounding area, by a little blue alien in a large gray space ship), A large number of nonexistent purple thing with multiple teeth escaped onto a small blue green planet called Earth, and a little boy by the name of Renaldo, ran happily out into the street just in time to be runover by a Mack truck. The truck, however, upon remembering that it had been blown up earlier that morning, quietly exploded.

R.G. awoke and hit Herbert. R.G. hit Herbert again. Herbert did nothing. R.G. picked up a hammer from his tool chest and was about to use it on Herbert's head when he realized something. He realized that they were alive and that they shouldn't be. R.G. dropped the hammer, which unfortunately landed on Herbert's head. R.G., not noticing where the hammer had landed, began pacing the room. Herbert woke up and
picked up the hammer.

"You shouldn't leave your tools lying around, R.G."

"Yeah, Geek," exclaimed the hammer.

"It's alive, R.G." yelled Herbert,"It's alive!"

R.G. left the room quite oblivious to Herbert's rantings. Herbert dropped the talking hammer and followed R.G. out of the room, ignoring the ravings of the hammer, who was upset about having been dropped.

As Herbert walked outside he noticed R.G. standing in the road. Suddenly they were surrounded by Purple thing with a lot of teeth (that didn't exist). Herbert didn't whether they existed or not, they looked dangerous enough to him. Just the creatures were about to reach them, there was a flash of blinding blue light and a large gray spaceship was now overhead. The nonexistant purple thing (with as lot of teeth) leapt at R.g. and Herbert. Herbert yelled as one of the creatures swung at him, missing his head by only a hairsbreath. R.G., being a far less courageous creature retreated violently to the ground, unconscious. Herbert, seeing his fallen friend, charged one of the ceatures in a last ditch effort for victory. It is was at that time, that there was a blinding flash and everything went black.

End Part 1

See? Now don't you feel tons better about your own writing? :) Tune in next week for more of what I was doing in the 90's and additional examples of me horribly aping Douglas Adams.... by which I mean Installment 2 of The Adventures of R.G. Strangemind and... Herbert.

Note: This first appeared in Birmingham Telecommunications News - Volume 4, Issue 3 and remains Copyright 1991 by Jeremy Lewis