Once again, we turn back the clock to 1991. In a year, Image comics would debut and I'd buy multiple covers of Spawn, Shadowhawk, Youngblood, Savage Dragon, and looming in the distance was a full time job at Lion & Unicorn. In a few more years, Marvel Comics would buy Heroes World distribution and go exclusive with them resulting in some really wild and crazy times for those of us trying to work out a comics order. But deep, under the surface there was bad fiction to be written and I was writing some of it.
Behold The Adventures of R. G. Strangemind and... Herbert
R.G. woke up, only to be knocked out again. Herbert woke up, only to be knocked out again. R.G. and Herbert both woke up, just in time to look very confused when they were both knocked out again. Although they were unaware of it, (They were busy being knocked unconscious) over them stood a strange looking blue alien with a rubber mallet. The alien's name was Slob. Slob was a rather round and cartoonish fellow, with round black eyes and a mouth that seemed to be a little larger than his head.
He, Slob, was standing over our heroes and hitting them over the head with the mallet every time they began to stir. They would open their' eyes and see only a bright blue flash before they were once again unconscious. Slob continued the pattern of blows for quite sometime before he was bored and put the mallet on a high self in the wall and left the room. Slob walked through the halls of his mighty ship wondering if Emperor Splort had noticed. He couldn't have seen what happened on Earth could he? He was sure that he had been far enough away from Earth not to affect reality and he almost had been, but that darned blue button just had to have appeared.
Slob was angry, in fact, he was angry enough to litter! Right there in the middle of corridor six, Slob whipped out a piece of paper and threw it to the ground. A large smile of malice appeared on his face and he ground the piece of paper into the nice tidy floor. He was just about to spit on the paper when an overly loud voice behind him bellowed ,"YOU HAVE LITTERED!" Slob screamed.
R.G. awoke. As he looked up, he beheld one of the purple things (that didn't exist). He only had time to yell, "HERBERT!!!" when his mind which had become so used to only logical thinking decided to go on vacation, leaving his body to fend for itself. As R.G. fell to the floor, Herbert awoke. He was, needless to say, quite startled by the sudden shriek R.G. had emitted and after convincing himself that he wasn't going to be knocked out again, he stood up. The nonexistent purple thing, who had been staring at the gibbering R.G., turned to face the rising Herbert, with hate in his eyes (that didn't exist). Herbert, quite oblivious to his seemingly-impending doom, began to stretch himself.
"Rargh?", asked the confused figment.
"R.G., did you saying something?" is what Herbert meant to say, but as he turned and saw the monster although came out was "Argh!". The monster, reassured of its monsterhood and ability to frighten people, charged Herbert. Fortunately, Herbert was prepared and as the monster
was bearing down upon him, swung his fist in a punch that knocked the purple thing right into existence, not to mention a really hard wall. Herbert advanced towards the monster and the monster (that was now quite existent) sighed. Herbert, taking this as a sign of hostility ran in
horror down the hallway.
Meanwhile in the recesses of the ship, R.G.'s mind was trying to find it's way back to his body.
Slob was still screaming when the over large robot, S.T.U.P.I.D. (Super Tough Union Personnel Incinerator Drone) 13 repeated his statement. "YOU HAVE LITTERED!". Slob came to his senses.
"Listen, Stupid...er Mister 13", then said, " I wasn't littering, Honest...er I was picking it up." Slob grabbed the paper and stuck it in his own mouth. "See, I was disposing of it...besides you didn't see me did you?"
"See you what?", grinned the Extremely bulky drone.
"Litter, of...Oops",said slob sheepishly, "I'm not in trouble am I?" In response the gleaming robot began to raise one gigantically massive fist, while Slob screamed.
As R.G.'s mind was wandering around the ship and thinking about the wonders of astral projection, his body was skipping down corridor seven, the corridor leading to the ship's power core, quite unaware of any danger. Of course, if R.G.'s mind had known, it may have been a little
more anxious to regain contact, but as it was, R.G.'s mind was content to take a leisurely stroll around the ship.
Slob was still screaming when he began to hear the sound. It was a quite peculiar sound, like some one screaming, but Slob was to preoccupied with the floor as it continued to rise towards the great fist above him to notice Herbert, who ran screaming in to the room.
Herbert saw before him a robot of unrivaled proportions and strength, but not realizing that to dodge an object one must move in such a way as to avoid that object, he ran headlong in to S.T.U.P.I.D. 13, and was taken quite by surprise when hurled against the wall by the
resounding explosion. He could see and there was nothing except a loud ringing his eyes then Slob opened his eyes. He was alive! the robot was gone, there was a human embedded in the wall! Life was wonderful! Life was grand Life was...A human embedded in the wall? Slob towards Herbert.
The purple thing with a lot of teeth (that had recently begun to exist), was confused. After all reality is quite a shock...especially for one who's just been introduced to it. He could see why people were scared of him, his hair was mess! Just look at those nails! How could anyone ever be attracted to shambling mound of hair teeth and dirty fingernails? He knew exactly what he must do. He must find the nearest Beauty Salon and have complete make over. Meanwhile on the planet Slag...
End Episode 2.
Note: This first appeared in Birmingham Telecommunications News and remains Copyright 1991 by Jeremy F. Lewis
Worse that the first. I know. But here's what's coming up. Once I finish posting this old stuff, I'll post a brand new short story. And run some sort of contest. But more on that later. :)