We Interrupt this Blogcast

Dear Blog,

I meant to give you a new Werewolf VS Vampire comic today, but the page proofs for the mass market version of ReVAMPED arrived and I have to get them back to Jen by June 6th, so I'll be doing that first.

Back soon,

Jeremy

Muse-day Tuesday: In Which We Pimp

I want to read UNHOLY GHOSTS by Stacia Kane right frick'n now! Unfortunately, not only has my copy not shown up yet (Why, unnamed book retailer?!? WHY?!?!?), but I really need to stay focused on Project 'Mancer. If you already have your copy then I envy you. I was even a good boy and didn't bug Stacia for an advanced copy of it. Gah!

Want to know why I'm jonesing for the book so bad?

The fastest way to understand is to jump over to Stacia's site and read the first few chapters. Did you go? Did you? If you did, I probably lost you for however long it takes you to read the five chapter preview. Maybe you'll come back... eventually. Of course those of you that already havea copy are still out there. You're probably even giggling madly to yourselves about it and... Wait a minute. Heh.

I just realized a way to torture those of you who already have a copy of UNHOLY GHOSTS. Jackie Kessler. Yup, my weapon of choice. She's funny, charming, talented... and utterly evil. Oh sure, those of you who know Jackie may argue, but I know the truth. Only an evil being intent on reducing all internet denizens into word-starved hordes of rabid fans would post the newest book in her HELL ON EARTH series for free.

"Free?" you may ask, "but isn't that a good thing?"

Oh...You'd think so, but she's doing posting it one chapter a week. See what I mean? E-V-I-L. Check it out, too. I dare you. :)

Oh and more torture: I'll have a new Werewolf VS Vampire post up tomorrow, assuming I can get the stake just the way I want it. Or maybe I'll just hold it hostage until my copy of UNHOLY GHOSTS shows up. Time will tell. ;)

Morbid Monday 3: This Time in Western Haiku

A Haiku or two
I'll provide for all right here
on Morbid Monday

I have to admit
Death by sparkling vampire
would pretty much suck

Moonlit dining plans
are surely not the choice when
with a loup garou

Drowning in the depths
with or without nude mermaids
It is still all wet

Fair weather or foul
Being devoured alive
really truly bites

Imagicon 2010

The Con is over (Well, mostly, I think they're actually watching the Lost Finale over at Old Car Heaven before it *really* ends) and I've been pretty silent. It's strange that I found time to blog while at an out of town convention, but a hometown convention left me too busy to do the daily update stuff. Sorry.

If you weren't there, you missed some cool stuff.

I had tons of fun hanging out with M. B. Weston and her gal Friday (who isn't actually named Friday, but there ya go). Timothy Zahn was there, but I was too intimidated by my enjoyment of his work to actually say much to him. Lou Anders (Editorial and Art Kahuna of Pyr Books - read their stuff - they have Steampunk Vampires coming out soon) was around the con and it was great to be on a panel with him, Van Plexico, and M. B Weston on Sunday to close out the con.

BUT...

The funniest moment of the con...

It was not being turned on to @DRUNKHULK...

It was not the various antics with the Vampire balloon...

I wasn't even the bagpipe guy playing the STAR WARS THEME...

I'll give you a hint. It involves Erin Grey (Wilma Deering), Gil Gerard (Buck Rogers), and John Billingsley (Doctor Phlox). I'll set the stage. The celebrity room was on the third floor or McWane. On the left hand side of the back wall sat Erin Grey, Gil Gerard, Bonita Friedericy, and John Billingsley. Erin and Gil were at a panel and John got... bored. So what does a bored John Billingsley do? He takes some of the glossy photos of himself he had for sale and used them to replace all of the photos of Erin Grey and Gil Gerard (even on their posters) with photos of himself to see how long it will take them to notice he's done it upon their return.

Quoth Timothy Zahn "We've replaced your work with Folger's Crystals, let's see if anyone notices."

Then Mr. Billingsley starts a betting pool. IF you're curious, it took Eric Grey and Gil Gerard ten seconds and sixteen seconds respectively to realize what had happened and (thankfully) they thought the joke was just as funny as everyone else.

Perhaps you had to be there, but it was frick'n hilarious.

The blog should be back to normal on Monday. See you then! :)

Broadcast Interruption!!!

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Comic Day with me and Lou Anders on TV.



Imagicon is this weekend!

Muse-day Tuesday: Car Talk

I don't know from cars.

Seriously.

Yet in my new WIP, one of the characters is good with cars. She even carries an OBD II Diagnostic Code Scanner around in her purse. Heck. She even knows what the darn thing is for and what the heck the little codes it gives out mean... and further what one might need to do, based on those codes, to make the car work. It took me almost an hour of research per paragraph even though the car references are not the most important part of the scene.

But that's what it's about sometimes. Because you know what? When I read the scene, once all the car lingo had been parsed, trimmed, and edited to remove the Hey-Look-What-I-Learned-itis that always creeps into the initial draft of such scenes... it sounded right. It read like the character. She was there on the page, just like she ought to be, unhindered by my own ignorance.

Know what else?

I still might have to fix it again. I have buddies who know about cars and when they read it they may well need to point out things I still have a little bit wrong. Once it sells, maybe my agent, my editor, my copy editor, or another writer reading it for blurbing purposes might notice more little details that are wrong. I hope not. I HOPE my research was enough, that I have it down, but with each correction, my character will sound more genuine, so that when you, the reader, finally get to look at the final draft, it is as clean and perfect as I can make it... and it might impress you so much that you email me and tell me how right it was and THAT... THAT makes it all worthwhile.

What weird little people we writers really are. ;)

A Monday Less Morbid

Mobicon was pretty darn cool. A big thank you goes out to Wayne, Connie, and everyone else who made it such a good con! It's always fun to see Davey Beauchamp, M.B. Weston, and The Wandering Men. Ben (official Untold Minion) even found time to give Janet and me a short walk-through of UNTOLD (the card-based RPG I mentioned last time).

Oh and I get to see M.B. and The Wandering Men again this weekend at Imagicon. How cool is that?!? And speaking of this weekend. I'm really hoping this year's Imagicon is going to rock. Half the fun is going to be at the McWane center and the other half is at Old Car Heaven. If I understand things correctly, Anime and all the Band (and related dealers) will be at Old Car Heaven and the rest of the fun (lit tracks, celebrity guests, etc) will be at McWane.

The folks at McWane will be showing Star Trek in the dome Imax all weekend. And this is going to sound a little strange, but wait until you see the maps. Anyway, I hope to see you all there! Both venues are a blast when there isn't a convention going on, so with all the awesomeness the folks at Imagicon have planned it should be even better!

Here's the tentative lit track schedule for Imagicon:

Friday, May 21

12:00p.m. "Meet M.B. Weston" Learn what is new from one of today's rising stars in Literature!

1:30p.m. "A Singular Sensation" Dr. Travis Taylor delights the crowd with the rowdy discussion kicked-off by "One Day on Mars"

3:30p.m. "Why oh Y???" Stephanie Osborn and Dr. Taylor bring us into the world of the Cresperian Saga.

5:30p.m. MOVE TO RUSHTON THEATER for: "Jabberwocky Theater: The Looking Glass Series" with Dr. Taylor and John Ringo. Come and discuss a raucously good time as the Looking Glass Series is bounced around and finding where the Jabberwocky comes into play.

7:00p.m. "3 Ringo Circus" John Ringo Come learn what the master author is up to with his latest trilogy.

Saturday, May 22

10:00a.m. "Van Plexico Presents..." Come meet another of the rising stars of the genre: Van Plexico. From Comics to Science Fiction, he has written about it, talked about it, or at least read it. If you haven't picked up one of his books yet, here is a chance to find out what you have been missing!

11:30a.m. "Lou Anders and Pyr Publishing" Come meet Lou Anders and find out what is coming from Pyr Publishing, one of the fastest rising stars of the fantasy and sci-fi world!

1:00p.m. "Baen Road Show" Baen will show the wonders and amazement coming out this year from their Publishing house.

2:30p.m. MOVE TO RUSHTON THEATER for: "Twilight Zahn" We all know about his Star Wars novels but what about those tons of other stories he has done completely away from all of that? Come and discuss the works of one of the best authors in the genre!

4:00p.m. ****Tentatively**** "The Worlds of Thomas T. Thomas"

6:00p.m. "The Legacy of Aldenata" John Ringo Wondering what is up with the Posleen? Come and find out from the creator, himself!

8:00p.m. MOVED TO RUSHTON THEATER for: "The P.A.R.D.O.N.ing of Ringo" Something "big" is going to happen to Mr. John Ringo! It's not for the faint-of-heart, nor for children. Those with strong political leanings may wish to bring a bit, or other restraints, as necessary. No food-throwing or chair-breaking allowed.

Sunday, May 23

10:00a.m. "Science behind Star Wars and Star Trek and..." Timothy Zahn and Dr. Taylor So can we really go faster than light? Is it possible to teleport matter? Discuss the realities of what we see and read in our favorite genre.

11:30a.m. "Introduction to Planetary Defense" Dr. Taylor We have read the books, seen the movies, now come and hear someone who actually knows the subject matter.

1:00p.m. "Fantasy Today" M.B. Weston, Lou Anders, Van Plexico, J.F. Lewis Wondering why all the Vampires are sparkling? Wondering what happened to the grittiness of Conan? Wonder what happened to the outrageous worlds of Zalazny? Come and talk with some people who would know!

2:30p.m. "Final Thoughts, Anyone?" A feedback session where you, the attendee, get to tell us, what went right, what needs work, and what you'd like to see in 2011!

Wow! More of This? Srsly?!?

Yep, more Adventures of R. G. Strangemind... and Herbert as written by me at age seventeen. What can I say? It's a public service to air my shame (or my Douglas Adams fanboyitis... take your pick) and make you all feel better about the fiction you turned out as a kid.

But FIRST!!!

Hello from Mobicon!

As I type this, I've just finished a Doctor Who Panel (because I luvs The Doctor!) and have escaped back to the room for a few minutes. So far the con seems really nice. The Wandering Men are showing off UNTOLD, their Card Game/RPG. Ben gave me a quick demo and it seems pretty cool. I hope to have more time to check it out either this weekend or next time I see them (which will be at Imagicon next weekend).

But wait... You've read too far, because now you are trapped in another installment of THE ADVENTURES OF R.G. STRANGEMIND... and herbert.

Episode III

Emperor Splort was on the rampage. In only three minutes he proceeded to destroy the entire contents of the royal bedroom not to mention a very lovely antique table that his great grandfather had made by hand. In other words, it was not very intelligent of the youngest council member to disturb him. Furthermore it had probably been the
most idiotic move that the late counselor had ever made. The counselor realized this as his' head sailed off his shoulders and out the window. The other counselors decided that they would postpone any further talks with the Emperor until he was in a better humor or as Emperor Splat III once said, "They ran like hell."

Emperor Splort grabbed an axe from a recently demolished trunk and began swinging at the fleeing Counselors. A few of the counselors made it through the door before he could position himself in front of it, but a great many of them leapt for the only other exit...the windows. In fact, it was the sight of all his council running about his bedroom and leaping out windows that finally began to calm the Emperor down. It was then that Emperor Splort for the first time in two days began to smile. He patted the axe in his hand with a dark gleam in his eye. "I'll get you Slob! You may have gotten away with bungles before, but this time. This time we've got you!"

Meanwhile back in the large gray spaceship, at about the same time Emperor Slob began his rampage, a klaxon began to sound. A pleasant but artificial male voice was heard throughout the ship. "Slob, I really must have your help on the bridge. I can't fly the ship all the time without a human instruction. Oh yes...Emperor Splort has issued a reward for anyone who can capture you, although the reward is greater for bringing back your lifeless body. Thank you." Slob stared at the intercom in disbelief and then looked at Herbert, who was still stuck in the wall. Disbelief turned to glee as Slob formed a plan.

While all this was going on, R.G.'s body had been coming closer and closer to the ship's powers. It had almost turned once or twice, but as if it were guided by some mystic sense of destiny, it continued to head straight along the corridor, to itself ultimate demise. As it run along the corridor the scenery began to change. The beautiful white walls were now red and bore large warning labels which had R.G. been
inhabiting it he would've recognized as an odd form of english.

It was as R.G, was inspecting a strange machine, which seemed to do nothing more than sing odd folk songs about toasters, that R.G. felt a presence.

"Hello?" said R.G.

"Greetings," responded a pleasant but artificial voice. "Existing on both the astral and physical plane has allowed me to detect your presence."

"Amazing!" whispered R.G. "Who? What? are you?"

"I am the ship computer. I hope you enjoy your stay on this ship and your body is heading towards certain death in the ship's powercore. Thank you."

R.G. desperately began searching for the ship's powercore.

***

Herbert opened his' eyes and couldn't see anything, in fact he could hear anything either. He must dead! He began to yell when he realized that he was unnaturally cold, but then again, he metal used in spaceship walls is very cold. It was about this time that Slob pulled Herbert out of the wall and Herbert realized he was alive. Herbert also realize that a strange blue alien was running a corridor. Herbert
decided to follow him and about three hundred yards down that same corridor, a now existent purple was walking in herbert and Slob's direction. The purple thing with a lot of teeth's name was Ginger and Ginger was mad.

R.G. "ran" (one doesn't actually run while in astral form, but saying that some one floated determinedly down the hall is rather anti-climatic) determinedly down the hall looking for his body. He had searched the areas he thought the powercore likely to be found in, after realizing that entity calling itself the Ship's Computer would no longer talk to him. Suddenly R.G. had an idea. He calm down and began to try
to "feel" the direction of his body. To R,G,'s left he felt an almost imperceptible tingle, and off he went while his body stood still before a large metal door bearing the alien equivalent of a radiation symbol (A piece of toasted garlic bread), that was slowly beginning to open.

Back on the planet Slag, Emperor Splort was holding a war council. Splort was a tall imposing man with green skin and well defined muscles. He looked even more imposing as he stood (towered, actually) over the remaining members of the royal council. None of the councilmen knew what their late youngest member had said to enrage him, but they weren't about to ask and he wasn't going to tell them. The light in the room glistened off of his bald skull given him a strange halo as he spoke.

"I'm going to have a war gentlemen. I'm going to go out with the bounty hunters and kill our beloved friend Slob"

"But sir..."began one of the councilmen, but that was as far he got before his head was simply no longer present, taking his nervously system quite by surprise and causing him to make unsightly jerking motions as his body dropped to the floor. Splort surveyed the court room with a smoking disintegrator in his hand.

"Are there anymore objections", he asked. Oddly enough there were none. The disintegrator did have a little to do with the lack of objections, but also, the council had decided that if the Emperor wanted to go off and get killed, it would be more than fine with them.

Splort grinned and contemplated Slob's death at his hands.

***

Back on the large gray spaceship. Herbert and Slob continued, unknowingly, in Ginger's direction. Ginger was angry, hungry and desperately wanted to kill the robot that had given him a flea bath instead of a haircut.

R.G.'s mindless but strangely mobile body, was walking towards the now open metal door, when R.G.'s mental presence entered the hallway "screaming","Nooooooooo!" R.G. rushed towards his body when suddenly he struck a barrier and his body turned to him smiling. (Maybe I was being a bit hasty when I said mindless, eh?)

Slob was excited. His plan was working, the big earthling was following him, and he had yet to be killed. There had been an old legend among his people that one there would come forth The Great Stupid One who would come forth and return them to the light. Perhaps this earthling was him, or atleast would pass for him.

Herbert, who was currently following the strange blue alien (Slob), wasn't thinking of anything, but of course that wasn't unusual.

Back on the planet Slag, however, Emperor Splort was thinking of something. he was thinking of different ways he could kill Slob, many of which involved strange any many times interesting uses for a size fifty one drill.

"Oh yes," he thought,"This will indeed be fun." Soon the Imperial flag ships would be ready and he could head after Slob with all the firepower he would ever need.

Ginger was still heading down the corridor when he saw a blue alien come around the corner. Ginger grinned and spoke (Well sort of) for the first time.

As Slob looked at the large purple thing with a lot of teeth, he didn't worry...they don't exist right? Atleast that's they way he reacted until it grinned at him and began to howl. It took him almost a full half of a second to turn around and then he was running for his life.

Herbert was following the strange blue alien and staring blankly, when suddenly the alien changed direction and collided with his chest. Had Herbert been more attentive, he may have heard the howling and began running in the other direction, instead of staring at the blue alien and trying to puzzle out what was going on. Fortunately, Ginger's appearance made everything clear.

Meanwhile in the corridor outside the ship's powercore, R.G. was puzzled, which was beginning to happen far to often than the most intelligent person on Earth would've liked.

"Who are you?" he stammered to his body, wondering how it could perceive on the astral plane and if it could even hear him. It could.

"Now that I have your attention", came a loud rumbling voice, "I shall introduce myself. I am called Toastus. On many different worlds I have many different names. I am called Malted by the ice men of Creamia, Splagnat by the people of the planet Slag, but of all I prefer the name Toastus, for it is a true name of power! You, R.G. Strangemind shall be my emmisary in this cosmic mission. You shall be a crumb sent forth from my self to the..."

"Excuse me, my dear Super powerful Entity, but what are you talking about?"

Toastus was not amused.



Note: This first appeared in Birmingham Telecommunications News and remains Copyright 1991 by Jeremy F. Lewis

Only one or two more episodes to go. :)

Thursday Update 3

First things first the winners for signed cover flats are...

Leah
Steve L
Matt C

So that's one winner from the blog and two from the fan page. Congrats to all the winners! Please email me with your shipping details and I'll get your cover flat in the mail. :)

And now that all the prizes have been doled out, it's time for another Thursday update!

Project 'Mancer Statistics:

Current word count: 26,793 (a little slow this week)
Estimated Percentage Complete: 35.7%
Project Completion Date: No later than 12:01 AM August 1st, 2010.
Current chances of hitting that target: Still looking good, but I need to buckle down and make sure I still get my writing time in during the next few weeks even though I'll be a several conventions: Mobicon this weekend, Imagicon next weekend, and ConCarolinas two weeks after that.

I also drew another Werewolf VS Vampire comic for next week.

Upcoming Releases (No changes here):

Staked (French translation) from Bragelonne: TBA
Staked (Italian translation) from Newton Compton: TBA

ReVamped in mass market paperback from Pocket Books: October 2010
ReVamped (French translation) from Bragelonne: TBA
ReVamped (Italian translation) from Newton Compton: TBA

Crossed in mass market paperback from Pocket Books: Early 2011

As for what's coming up for tomorrow...

More R.G. Strangemind, Herbert, Slob, and Purple Things with a lot of teeth.

Werewolf VS Vampire 2: Twilight

Here's another one, sparked by a question I get at conventions a lot:

Anyone who wants a signed cover flat of ReVamped, don't forget to comment on yesterday's blog post or on facebook. Cheers! :)

Muse-day Tuesday: Bass times Fork

(Note: There's a tiny contest at the end)

It's funny what you think you hear, but when my wife was talking about the definition of Work (ie. the sciency definition not the what-I-do-to-get-paid definition, it turned into Bass times Fork divided by distance. Which even if you change the terms to Mass, Force and Distance, still isn't right, but it's what I heard. Maybe I'm hungry.

I guess it's really something like Work = Force/Distance. Which is why I was afraid of Mrs. Bola when I was in school. She was very short, very round, and therefore the most forceful teacher I had at the time. (Because Force=Mass time Acceleration... which is measured in Newtons... like snacktime.) Maybe that's why people are afraid of Fang... or it could be that he eats people by running over them and shucking them like a human corncob. (Yep, definitely hungry)

Work...

Speaking of which... COVER FLATS! I know I've seen the cover to ReVamped before, but it is just so frick'n cool to come home and find cover for a new edition of one of my books in the mail. I don't think it's just me either. I suspect all authors get a little thrill. I think I'll share. Maybe you'd like a cover flat in the mail? Everyone who comments on this post between now and Thursday at 11:59 pm will be entered into a drawing for a signed cover flat of ReVamped. You can stop by my Facebook fan page and comment there too and you'll get an extra chance to win. I have several cover flats, so I'll probably give two or three away.

P.S. I'll have another Werewolf VS Vampire thingy up tomorrow. The artwork will be shabby (as usual). but I still hope you'll be amused. :)

Morbid Monday 2: Getting Gorey

Rather than discuss death by Jell-o (which might be my topic for next Monday). Let's talk about some truly morbid fun...

Which means we have to talk, just for a moment, about Siobhan Magnus. (Don't worry, this is not a post about American Idol). I enjoyed her rendition of "Paint It Black", but none of her other performances ever really worked for me. What I do find interesting is her style, her presence, but most of all... the tattoo on her upper arm. I thought it was a Mary Poppins tattoo.

It's not.

Vote The Worst has a great image of the tattoo next to the artwork upon which it is based.

That's the cover to Edward Gorey's abecedarian work The Gashleycrumb Tinies. Yes, he's the "Gorey" from the title of this blog post. If I get nothing out of American Idol this year other than the an introduction to this man's absurd yet morbid literary works and art, it will have been well worth the time spent. How can you not love a book which includes lines like:

"A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.

B is for Basil assaulted by bears.

C is for Clara who wasted away.

D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh..."

I haven't read much of Gorey's work yet, but I'm going to be looking into it. And I can't help but think of Greta holding a copy of The Gashleycrumb Tinies alongside her copy of Neil Gaiman's The Dangerous Alphabet, and of course, AlphaOops: H is for Halloween by Alethea Kontis. I picture her curled up in Fang's trunk with all three volumes (physical copies, though I suppose she could have them on a iPad) cuddling her favorite pet skull (more on that when CROSSED comes out in 2011) and reading the books aloud to it while showing Telly (that's the skull) all the pictures. What fun!

:)

Happy Mother's Day...with TRON Legacy?

One of the things I remember very clearly about childhood are the movies. The Capri Theater has been closed for years, but when I think of the first time I saw Raiders of the Lost Ark or Star Wars, the Capri is what I'm remembering. From the time I was so small I had to sit on the front of the folding seat with it still in the upright position so that I could see, to the time I had to start making sure I didn't sit in front of little kids. In the summers if you had breakfast at the fast food place (I don't remember the name, only that they had Tater tots) you could show up and watch several movies for free.... which is how I discovered Godzilla, Jason and the Argonauts... and a whole, bunch of other movies, but Tron... Tron I had to pay to see.

One thing I always remembered about Tron was wishing they'd made *the game*, not Tron. They made two of those, of which Disks of Tron was the better, but I always wanted to play Space Paranoids! You know? The one that was Flynn's game? The non-existent tank game?

No?

Well now you can get a refresher course! I'm guessing the release has a little something to do with the upcoming release of Tron Legacy, but regardless of how it came to be, it's here.

How cool is that?!?

Oh, and speaking of cool... I can't wait to see Tron Legacy. You can check out the trailers here and here. Yup. I'm a nerd. :) For those of you in Mobile, I'll be there this coming weekend for Mobicon. Hope to see you there!

A Haiku and the Bestest Vampire Song Ever!

Six am in the morning

is way too early

for insistent wrong numbers

Seriously whoever you are. It's too early in the morning and "I'm on my way" is never a correct response to "I missed a few calls from this number."

That aside, I just watched the coolest vampire video ever. If I could set it as my ringtone, I totally would. :)

I have a Gollum-loves-The-One-Ring level appreciation for this song. Heh.

Oh, and I had a question... would folks like it if I picked a day where folks could ask questions about publishing, writing, Void City, or other stuff and I blog the answers the next day? Just curious.

Will the Insanity Never End?!?

Once again, we turn back the clock to 1991. In a year, Image comics would debut and I'd buy multiple covers of Spawn, Shadowhawk, Youngblood, Savage Dragon, and looming in the distance was a full time job at Lion & Unicorn. In a few more years, Marvel Comics would buy Heroes World distribution and go exclusive with them resulting in some really wild and crazy times for those of us trying to work out a comics order. But deep, under the surface there was bad fiction to be written and I was writing some of it.

Behold The Adventures of R. G. Strangemind and... Herbert

Episode 2

R.G. woke up, only to be knocked out again. Herbert woke up, only to be knocked out again. R.G. and Herbert both woke up, just in time to look very confused when they were both knocked out again. Although they were unaware of it, (They were busy being knocked unconscious) over them stood a strange looking blue alien with a rubber mallet. The alien's name was Slob. Slob was a rather round and cartoonish fellow, with round black eyes and a mouth that seemed to be a little larger than his head.

He, Slob, was standing over our heroes and hitting them over the head with the mallet every time they began to stir. They would open their' eyes and see only a bright blue flash before they were once again unconscious. Slob continued the pattern of blows for quite sometime before he was bored and put the mallet on a high self in the wall and left the room. Slob walked through the halls of his mighty ship wondering if Emperor Splort had noticed. He couldn't have seen what happened on Earth could he? He was sure that he had been far enough away from Earth not to affect reality and he almost had been, but that darned blue button just had to have appeared.

Slob was angry, in fact, he was angry enough to litter! Right there in the middle of corridor six, Slob whipped out a piece of paper and threw it to the ground. A large smile of malice appeared on his face and he ground the piece of paper into the nice tidy floor. He was just about to spit on the paper when an overly loud voice behind him bellowed ,"YOU HAVE LITTERED!" Slob screamed.

R.G. awoke. As he looked up, he beheld one of the purple things (that didn't exist). He only had time to yell, "HERBERT!!!" when his mind which had become so used to only logical thinking decided to go on vacation, leaving his body to fend for itself. As R.G. fell to the floor, Herbert awoke. He was, needless to say, quite startled by the sudden shriek R.G. had emitted and after convincing himself that he wasn't going to be knocked out again, he stood up. The nonexistent purple thing, who had been staring at the gibbering R.G., turned to face the rising Herbert, with hate in his eyes (that didn't exist). Herbert, quite oblivious to his seemingly-impending doom, began to stretch himself.

"Rargh?", asked the confused figment.

"R.G., did you saying something?" is what Herbert meant to say, but as he turned and saw the monster although came out was "Argh!". The monster, reassured of its monsterhood and ability to frighten people, charged Herbert. Fortunately, Herbert was prepared and as the monster

was bearing down upon him, swung his fist in a punch that knocked the purple thing right into existence, not to mention a really hard wall. Herbert advanced towards the monster and the monster (that was now quite existent) sighed. Herbert, taking this as a sign of hostility ran in

horror down the hallway.

Meanwhile in the recesses of the ship, R.G.'s mind was trying to find it's way back to his body.

Slob was still screaming when the over large robot, S.T.U.P.I.D. (Super Tough Union Personnel Incinerator Drone) 13 repeated his statement. "YOU HAVE LITTERED!". Slob came to his senses.

"Listen, Stupid...er Mister 13", then said, " I wasn't littering, Honest...er I was picking it up." Slob grabbed the paper and stuck it in his own mouth. "See, I was disposing of it...besides you didn't see me did you?"

"See you what?", grinned the Extremely bulky drone.

"Litter, of...Oops",said slob sheepishly, "I'm not in trouble am I?" In response the gleaming robot began to raise one gigantically massive fist, while Slob screamed.

As R.G.'s mind was wandering around the ship and thinking about the wonders of astral projection, his body was skipping down corridor seven, the corridor leading to the ship's power core, quite unaware of any danger. Of course, if R.G.'s mind had known, it may have been a little

more anxious to regain contact, but as it was, R.G.'s mind was content to take a leisurely stroll around the ship.

Slob was still screaming when he began to hear the sound. It was a quite peculiar sound, like some one screaming, but Slob was to preoccupied with the floor as it continued to rise towards the great fist above him to notice Herbert, who ran screaming in to the room.

Herbert saw before him a robot of unrivaled proportions and strength, but not realizing that to dodge an object one must move in such a way as to avoid that object, he ran headlong in to S.T.U.P.I.D. 13, and was taken quite by surprise when hurled against the wall by the

resounding explosion. He could see and there was nothing except a loud ringing his eyes then Slob opened his eyes. He was alive! the robot was gone, there was a human embedded in the wall! Life was wonderful! Life was grand Life was...A human embedded in the wall? Slob towards Herbert.

The purple thing with a lot of teeth (that had recently begun to exist), was confused. After all reality is quite a shock...especially for one who's just been introduced to it. He could see why people were scared of him, his hair was mess! Just look at those nails! How could anyone ever be attracted to shambling mound of hair teeth and dirty fingernails? He knew exactly what he must do. He must find the nearest Beauty Salon and have complete make over. Meanwhile on the planet Slag...

End Episode 2.

Note: This first appeared in Birmingham Telecommunications News and remains Copyright 1991 by Jeremy F. Lewis

Worse that the first. I know. But here's what's coming up. Once I finish posting this old stuff, I'll post a brand new short story. And run some sort of contest. But more on that later. :)

The Thursday Update: Number 2

Time for another Thursday update!

Project 'Mancer Statistics:

Current word count: 24,483
Estimated Percentage Complete: 32.6%
Project Completion Date: No later than 12:01 AM August 1st, 2010.
Current chances of hitting that target: Looking Good.

I also drew another Werewolf VS Vampire comic for next week.

Upcoming Releases (No changes here):

Staked (French translation) from Bragelonne: TBA
Staked (Italian translation) from Newton Compton: TBA

ReVamped in mass market paperback from Pocket Books: October 2010
ReVamped (French translation) from Bragelonne: TBA
ReVamped (Italian translation) from Newton Compton: TBA

Crossed in mass market paperback from Pocket Books: Early 2011

As for what's coming up for tomorrow... It's the next installment of The Adventures of R.G. Strangemind... and Herbert. Yep. Yet more horrible (perhaps amusing) fiction from my teens. I may even talk a little bit about one of the (secret) reasons I decided to post the episodes and what I'm going to do once all of them have been posted here. I know. I know. Flee in terror! ;)

The first sentence: "R.G. woke up, only to be knocked out again."

New Comics Wednesday: Werewolf VS Vampire 1

I kind of thought I'd review some comics or something, but since I haven't picked up my comics yet, I thought I'd post the first Werewolf VS Vampire comic strip in its current rough state.

You may want to click on it for a better view as I'm still a bit iffy when it comes to formatting the image in the blogger window. What do you guys think?

Muse-day Tuesday: Werewolf VS Vampire

I just saw that things are changing up a little over at TOR.COM. That's where my "Project 'Mancer" novella is currently awaiting judgement. I knew that PNH was overloaded, so it's nice to know he'll be getting a helping hand.

I'm been playing around with some sketches for a few six panel Werewolf VS Vampire comic strips, but I haven't had any luck finding any good programs to let me drop the images in, add captions, format them like an actual comic, and then spit them back out as a .jpg, but that's what my muse has been up to today.

Well, that, and more Project 'Mancer stuff. I really hope one of the 'Mancer items sells so I can finally speak freely about it.

Morbid Monday 1: Death by Clown Car

We've all seen one either in an actual circus, a cartoon... or at the very least heard of one. Picture a small car, often made up to resemble a VW Beetle (if not an actual VW Beetle) and out of it climb clown after clown. That's right, I'm talking about that well-known and highly feared implement of death... THE CLOWN CAR.

I can think of a worse way to go, but even so, death by clown car has to rank very high on the most embarrassing ways to die list. Sure if you died being run over by a clown car it could be a rather pedestrian death (Bad pun intentional), but what if it were worse than that? What if, heaven forbid, it was a death that needed EXPLAINING?

Imagine the proverbial line in front of the pearly gates where one finds himself or herself shunted off into the Questionable Death Queue where instead of St. Peter, he or she has to face some unnamed holdover from the old testament who looks at them with a funny look and asks, "What exactly were you doing underneath all those clowns in the backseat?"

I don't see how a person could recover from that. Even the serial killers would laugh. Okay, well everyone would laugh. Perhaps I should say especially the serial killers would laugh except for the one in the back kicking himself for not having thought of that execution method himself.

Either way, I don't think the Questionable Death Queue man would go for it.

"We don't take your kind here," the man with the bushy white eyebrows might say and whoosh off to hell with the other deviants clown fetishists. It really doesn't bear thinking about. Come to think of it, it isn't really all that much better if one tripped on the way out of the clown car having survived the clown on clown sardine action only trip and impale oneself on a monkey. The little man from the Questionable Deaths Queue is even more likely to raise an eyebrow and deliver a GO TO HELL verdict before the poor soul in question can manage a "But wait! When I say impaled myself on a monkey I didn't mean it like THAT..."

Call me crazy, but Death by Clown Car? I'd avoid it. Wouldn't you?

P.S. I know this blog is going up a little late, but as the song goes:

Some blog in the morning
Some blog late at night
Other choose the afternoon...
It's afternoon delight.

(Or something like that, You know. Maybe there isn't even a song at all. Oh well.)

;)

Sunday is better with Gorillaz

Am I the only person who loves The Gorillaz?

New Post Over At The League

It involves me being silly and mixing the PC versus Mac commercials with Vampires and Werewolves. You can find it here